Starship Hogwarts
by ears
Summary: AU! Warning: Totally Random! Just who is going to blow them out of the sky? Hmm, Toasters? good guys? space cowboys? M for swearing and Ron.
1. Rus of Sever

Disclaimer... I do not own the Harry Potter series or the idea's from Gene Roddenberry's Star Trek series... mainly the characters are in space on a ship.. and that's what I'm mostly borrowing.. haha.

AN: This is posted today because it's Gene Roddenberry's birthday... and mine as well! Happy Birthday to me!

AN #2: This IS a Parody.

**The (Ridiculous.. Insane.. Hilarious.. Twisted.. ) Adventures of the Starship Hogwarts**

one.. of the first scene one. Rus of Sever

Stardate: Unknown.. Area of Space: Unknown.. Location: The Starship Hogwarts

"Master Captain! Master Captain!" the ships cook yelled as Dumbledore swiped a cup of tea, though he'd prefer Earl Grey.. he had to make due with whatever rubbish the cook came up with if he wanted a cup of tea.

Captain Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore internally shuddered, but he turned to his ambassador and smiled serenely, "What is it Dobby?"

"I think Rus of Sever is etempting to rejoin de collective, Master Captain."

"Captain.. Call me Captain, NOT Master! Why do you think 'Rus of Sever' is trying to rejoin the Lord Voldemort Collective?"

"Because he vas talking about," Dobby looked around the nearly empty mess hall before continuing, "the Queen!"

"The Queen?"

"Yes... He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"Tom Riddle?"

"Dobby's eyes widened till it looked as if they would pop out of his funnily shaped head.

"You must not speak that name Mas.. Captain, you must not!"

"Dobby," Dumbledore began calmly, "I trust 'Rus of Sever,' are you sure your not misplacing your wish for the return of your lost lover, Ginny?"

"Why do you try to make Dobby, cry?"

"I am not trying to make you cry, Dobby."

'Rus of Sever,' eh hem, I mean Severus runs in screaming, "**I AM SEVERUS! SEVERUS!**"

And the former drone ran back out of the mess hall.

"Hmm," said Captain Albus, "I think Severus need to regenerate."

"**I HATE POTTER!**" Exclaimed Dobby.

"Dobby, I thought we already went through this, Lieutenant Potter did not steal Ginerva from you, Ginny and you later mutually agreed to separate.. and I thought you and Harry were friends.. sure he fantasized about her.. but that ended quick after she started lighting things on fire."

"Dobby and Harry are Friends," Dobby nodded happily.

Dumbledore shrugged, "What do you think are the odds of our pilot and engineer hookin' up?"

"She'll bite him first," Dobby said serenely.

"I.. I'm off back to the bridge, till next meal, Dobby."

"Yes, till, Master Captain, sorry sir, Captain sir." Time to burn my fingers on a frying pan.. or a wok!

Post AN: There was the first part.. of what is so far seven parts of hilarious nonsense! Please review...

I'm twenty.. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Today...


	2. Disintegrating Clarinet

_**AN: ** Thanks to the two reviewers to the first chapter.. if you haven't noticed already this is all in jest of both series.. I'm almost thinking of changing the title to The Adventures of the Starship Order just for the irony of it... because this ship is clearly not ran in an orderly manner.. mawahahaha. And to the reviewer who said it was evil... why evil? Explain please! _

**Two of the second scene two.**

"Harry, Harry!" the operations officer yelled running to catch up with her pal the pilot.

"Luna, what's up?"

"Can you get me a clarinet for my birthday?"

"Why?"

"Lieutenant Weasley has some anger problems.. He phasered it."

"What?"

"He disintegrated my clarinet."

"Why?"

"He said it was stupid and distracting him."

"Where were you?"

"My quarters."

"Where was he?"

"I don't know... I'm guessing Crewman Brown's quarters, there's been some rumors, but he ran in and phasered it as I set it down to greet him, then he ran back out."

"Hmm.. I have to remember this ship has thin walls.. and is small, so rumors travel fast.. "

"Rumors swirl around this ship in seconds.. and Security Chief Weasley is an odd fellow."

"Yes, yes he is..."

Harry grinned, "Why don't you challenge Mister Chess Master to a game?"

"That's a great idea, Harry!"

"And make sure he gives up enough replicator rations for a new clarinet."

"Well, I've best be going, see you Harry."

"Later Luna."

And Harry continued on his way to the mess hall to eat breakfast before his shift on the bridge.

"Lieutenant," Dobby greeted sourly.

"Hey Dobby, how are you doing this lovely morning in space?"

"Well very, Lieutenant, you pestering me without."

"Sheesh, can I at least get some breakfast?"

Dobby slopped some food onto a tray and practically threw it at Lieutenant Potter.

"Urg, thanks Dobby." Harry put his full mug of coffee on his tray and looked around the mess hall, before proceeding to sit with the steaming Lieutenant's Granger and Weasley.

"Has Dobby been acting oddly and vindictive all morning?" Harry asked the other two in a manner of greeting after sitting next to Weasley to get a good view of Lieutenant Granger.

"He was fine to me. What'd you do this time, make a pass at his god-child?"

"Why would I make a pass at Neville's five year old daughter? Damn, I'm not that desperate."

Hermione Granger turned a snigger into a cough.

"I don't flirt with everything, Hermione."

She smiled and nodded, "Of course not."

"Oh, I see, you want you.. eh hem, obligatory flirting, Hermione?"

"Not at all, Harry. I'm quite content with Ensign McLaggen."

"Lieutenant," Harry addressed Weasley, "Why did you phaser Ensign Lovegood's clarinet?"

"She was annoying.. hem, me," Ron Weasley replied.

"How so, she was in her quarters!" Harry replied.

"Her squeaking and squawking was driving me ruddy mad as I.. um, eh walked by."

"So you went into her quarters and shot her clarinet?" Hermione asked.

"I did," Weasley replied without remorse or a care in the world.

"Your disgusting Mister Weasley.. and Harry, your a pig." And the young woman exited the hall.

**_Post AN: _Please Review, it encourages me to write more.. and post quicker.. since I'm in the middle of a dry spell in terms of fic writing, it my jobs fault I tell you, MY JOB'S! **


	3. stupid questions abound years into missi

**AN:**_Here's the third installment, my two lonely reviewers.. which I'm grateful to even have two.. lol.. seriously, any review lifts my spirits and encourages me to continue. So I thank Lemons and PhoneixFawkes... _

_**This takes part minutes after the last scene.** _

Three of the third scene three: **Stupid Questions abound years into the mission. **

Chief Engineer Hermione Granger caught the nearest turbolift, meeting Luna Lovegood inside. "Hey Ravenclaw."

"Hey Gryfindor."

"Aren't we supposed to be Starfleet and Maquis?"

"Yeah, but this is a different reality."

"You went to Starfleet academy, right?"

"Yeah, top of my class, and you were a Maquis, right?"

"I was, why did I drop out of Starfleet to join a band of rule breaking rebels? Isn't that out of character for me?"

"Well, you do seem to like lost and noble causes."

"True, where are you headed, Ravenclaw Starfleet?"

"The bridge and yourself?"

"Engineering. Why did Weasley phaser your clarinet?"

"Probably interrupted his love making with his extra marital affair."

"Ah right. He is married isn't he?"

"Yes to a I've heard lovely woman on Redlan."

"Yeah, how many kids does he have?"

"What is it, fourteen or twenty four?"

"Not sure, but it is a large number."

"Whatever it is."

The turbo lift stopped before engineering.

"See you Gryfindor Maquis," Luna said to the departing engineer.

"Indeed Luna."

**Post AN: **If your reading this I applaud you.. because this is supposed to be senseless, pointless and just fun.. which it is.. for me.. anyway.. yeah.. there's points and a subtle direction in here somewhere... not sure where just yet.. kidding, kidding.. Please Review.


	4. Death and the Purple Mistress

**AN: **_ I know this is short.. sorry.. but this is it.. 5 lines.. Come on I can only take so much of Ron Lavender.. though I can take more of that then Hermione and Ron.. Review Please. _

_Four of the fourth scene four. _

"Lavender, my wife is dead."

"How do you know, Won-won?"

"We Recands can sense when our mate has passed on," He lowered his head, "My Meleeleea has died giving birth to our now youngest child."

"Won-won, how do you know?"

"I felt it, Lavender. That is why I pursued you, beautiful purple redhead," Lavender the purple woman blushed the color of her name, Lavender.


	5. Deja Vu

_Five of the fifth scene five. _

"Luna," Harry Potter started sitting in the holodeck tropical paradise simulation, "Do you ever get a sense of deja vu? Like you experienced something before?"

"I do, Harry. Why do you ask?"

"Sometimes I feel like I know things like cars, playstations and the old personal computers is all."

"That is understandable, my friend."

"Remember that creature we came upon in space about a month back?"

"Yeah."

"I felt like I already knew about it, and I'm still unsure of why I know about snokracks."

"Indeed," Harry replied, 'He remembered Luna's seemingly immense knowledge of the new being, well new to the majority of Starfleet, just no longer new to the crew of the U.S.S. Hogwarts.

**AN: Sorry, for the shortness of these last two parts.. Review please.. Part Six is the longest of the story so far.. I'll post it Tuesday most likely.. and it's as far as I've written as of yet. Please Review. **


	6. Senior Staff Mayhem, eh hem Meeting

_Six of the sixth scene six. _

The staff meeting was ruddy boring with First Officer Lupin discussing the crew shifts, Chief Engineer Granger started off with a bang, discussing the best way to conserve energy, the gel packs and the boxes of Jello they still had left.

"How many boxes of Jello do we have again, Lieutenant?" Inquired Ensign Thomas, whom no one really knew why he was there..

"Mister Thomas, Chief Granger already said we have two hundred boxes, enough for one batch of Jello for each crew member... Well unless the Captain goes on another Jello rampage."

Which Captain Dumbledore replied with a 'Who me?' look.

"Why are you even here, Ensign?" Ordered Commander Lupin.

"Um.. Isn't this the meeting to discuss the loss of Dobby's lost lover.. and mine and Potter's and Longbottoms.. and..."

"To discuss what, Mister Thomas?"

"The loss of Ginny, to the great beyond.. seriously she turned into a flash of light!"

"No, Ensign Thomas, this is the senior staff meeting."

"Ah.. oh, that explains it.. well.. um.. I best be leaving now.. I think um.. I have to um.. go charge up some phasers.. yeah, phasers."

"Hmm," started Dumbledore, "I think I need to attend the next meeting of GA. Oh, yes, we got a message from Starfleet!"

"What.. um, Captain, that's impossible!" Lieutenant Granger exclaimed.

"Anything is possible, Lieutenant, just like my snorkracks," Ensign Lovegood spoke up.

The Lieutenant snorted.

"We did get a message, I think Mister Moody relayed it to them for us, or that is my presumption," the Captain continued.

"Are we sure he wasn't in the collective?" Asked Mister Weasely, "I mean that eye of his."

"Weasley, your the security chief, aren't you supposed to recognize those types of things?" Chief Engineer Granger inquired scathingly.

"Urm.. " The Security Chief gulped.

"The message. Don't you all want to know the message?" Dumbledore asked excitedly.

The senior staff looked at their Captain, whom continued under their gazes.

"Well, it said: Sputter, nit wink, squeak and Mister Weasley, your wife has died. and they've admitted, but aren't pardoning you, Mister Potter, but the crew members you killed before being subsequently discharged for seemingly lying, joining the Resistance and subsequently sent to prison were all members of the Lord Voldemort Collective."

"Hot Damn! I told them that! Now the mother.. urm.. now they admit it.. F.. urgh."

"Yes, yes Mister Potter, you've earned this crews trust.. well so long as you stay sober and don't gamble."

"What!" Potter raged, "I haven't drank since six months after my first discharge, you bloody.. urgh.. well nothing but synthehol... six days ago.. and I promise I won't bet the shuttle crafts again.. but I built that wicked new one! Is this meeting over yet?"

"Oh yes!" The Captain said happily, "Back to our stations everyone.

The Captain turned to his first officer, as the rest of the senior staff were leaving and said, "We've always got to head Potter off. He gets quite delusional sometimes."

"But..."

"Off to your shift now, Commander."

First Officer Remus J. Lupin went off to his office muttering things about delusional, old, batty Captains.

_**AN: **This is the last of the already written parts.. so expect the next part to take a bit longer.. still batting ideas around in my head.. catching up on sleep... realizing I go back to school in less then two weeks.. trying to work on my other fic.. trying to eat at least one meal a day.. and stay awake.. and hopefully get on a normal scedule.. before September 6th.. when I have a 9:30 class to start the year off.. I'll be a Sophmore... In college yes! Have to decide a major this year.. AHHHHHH! REVIEW Please! Please Review! I got a whole crap load of hits for the last couple chapters.. and just one or two reviews.. come on! I seriously need the encouragement to write rather then sleep. So again, Please Review. _


	7. Missing Hermione

**The (Odd) Adventures of the Starship Hogwarts**

**Seven of the Seventh Scene Seven...** _Missing Hermione_

The Mess Hall, 1200 hours.. _Lunch. _

"Harry, I'm going on the away mission. Can you watch Crookshanks while I'm away?"

"How in the bloody hell did you manage to bring a cat along anyway, Granger?" Lieutenant Weasley inquired.

"Well, I had him on the Order vessel, and he was one of the lifesigns _your_ crew beamed over. I'm pretty sure Crewman Finch-Fletchy has a talking parrot."

"He does," Harry said. "Justin likes to dress up like a pirate and go out to sea on the resort holodeck program."

"Will you watch Crookshanks for me, Harry, please?"

"Why me?"

"Well, Luna's going on the mission as well, otherwise, I would ask her."

"Oh, alright, buy why did you ask me in the first place?"

"Crookshanks likes you."

"Oh my god! That bloody fur ball tried to bite my leg off when I had to deliver a padd to Granger's quarters once. I hate that 'effin thing."

The pilot and engineer broke out in guffaws, as the security chief scowled.

**_Listening to: Best of PixiesWave of Mutilation_**

The away mission was supposed to last a total of three days. Harry knew this and apparently so did Lieutenant Granger's feline, since the fourth day passed without his master's return. Crookshanks launched himself at Lieutenant Potter with purring and rubbing up against his leg.

When Harry was finally getting to sleep, just seconds from total surrender to sleep, Crookshanks plopped himself firmly and without much effort on the part of Harry, Crookshanks was NOT going to move, his claws firmly entrenched in the fabric of Lieutenant Potter's pajamas.

Harry and Crookshanks stared at each other for quite some time, before Harry finally started to crack from the exhaustion of an overly long shift on the bridge, a vomit-like substance for dinner from the ship's mess and a few hours of sword fighting in the Holodeck.

"Crookshanks, I know she was supposed to be back by now.. But something came up! They have to stay away longer. Don't worry, Hermione's okay. She'll come back for you. You won't be stuck with me, I promise, and if she doesn't return. Hell, I'll.. I'll.. I don't know what I'd do and I certainly can't promise you anything but my companionship as opposed to say Lieutenant Weasley's," Crookshanks hissed.

"I know, I wouldn't make anyone suffer him. How 'bout this? I'll let you eat Justin's parrot.. okay, okay.. I guess that wouldn't be very nice," Harry responded to the disdainful look the cat was giving him.

"I'll... I'll use my next batch of replicator rations for a nice salmon or something for you.. If she doesn't return."

And Harry scratched the cat behind his ears and stroked it's back, as well as scratching before it's tail, which Crookshanks stuck out..

Till Harry finally quit and attempted to go to sleep with a cat firmly stuck to his chest.

_So what do you people think of this one? Review PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! IT's all I ask.. I have an idea for a multi part to this story.. so expect that whenever I get a shot at writing it.. will probably not be the next part.. though who knows. I go back to D town and Wayne State Friday morning I leave a 6:45 am.. get in at 12:45 pm.. middle of the night.. damn.. got an hour layover in chicago.. well at least the tickets cheap! was only 59 one way.. so not bad. I went on a shopping spree today.. spent WAY too much on clothes.. something I've never done before.. well I've never had a job and money before either.. lol. Well, my job is over as of this past sunday.. Tuesday Bright and early I start classes.. fun, fun. Spanish, Greek Mythology, Physical Anthropology, Drawing 2, and Design 1 are my courses, 16 credits, five classes, four days a week.. I'm guessing Spanish and Phys. Anthro. will keep me the busiest.. though who knows about the Design class.. I have to decide a major this year.. fun, fun. Please Review.. it'll guilt me into updating if you review a lot. I sware! It will! So, please REVIEW to guilt your author into writing.. besides.. this story is fun to write.. because any and all insane things I come up with can be made to fit, lol. SO PLEASE, PLEASE.. REVIEW, REVIEW! _


	8. Kill the Cabin mates

**Was listening to: Best of the Pixes: Wave of Mutilation. **

8 of the 8th scene.. _Kill the Cabin mates. _

Lieutenant Hermione Granger went over the plans and schematics for the repair of the shuttle for, it must have been the fiftieth time that night, or more realistically: Morning.

The sun was now, a bit past, creeping slowly into an extremely cloudy sky.

"Good Morning, Lieutenant!" Dobby greeted Hermione Granger much too brightly, as he came out of the sleeping quarters area of the shuttle craft.

"Isn't it a beautiful day!" He exclaimed looking out the window and sitting in the operations chair, near Hermione's current sitting position, the pilot's seat.

"Dobby shut your bloody trap! It is not a beautiful day, haven't you noticed? It's pouring outside and let's hope we don't get electrocuted in our metal box here."

"Lieutenant, we cannot be electrocuted. Our shields and the polymer of the shuttle will not allow such a thing to happen... excpet from within, through internal explosions," Rus of Sever, eh hem, Severus explained entering from the rear cabin.

"I know that perfectly well, Severus. I also know precisely how to deactivate the protections in place, just to get us electrocuted. I may just disable the shields, if the two of you don't shut the bloody fuck up."

"You know, Lieutenant, as officer in command, you could easily order us to be quiet."

"Don't remind me, Dobby." She replied with a pained expression, "And if I could order you to stop snoring I very well would! But seeing as it's impossible without a medical staff, I cannot."

"Would you like some java, Lieutenant? Or maybe Jello?"

"No Jello, it's being rationed, remember. Coffee though, YES."

_Author's note: This was written last Thursday morning, early, early, before 6 am. You can probably guess by something in this chapter what kept me awake.. my uncle's snoring.. it's so god damn loud you can here him two rooms over.. let alone being in the same room is unbearable. _

_Hope you enjoyed.. and Review, please. _


	9. The Part In Which Everyone Says Hell

**Scene nine of the ninth scene**

_Was Listening to: The Shins-Oh, Inverted World. _

_This may just be the insanest part yet! _

_The Part In Which Everyone Says Hell _

The shuttle that had been Lieutenant Hermione J. Granger, Rus of Sever Snape.. eh hem, Severus Snape and Ambassador Dobby's living quarters for the past fifteen days FINALLY docked in the shuttle bay of the United Federation of Peanuts' Starship Hogwarts.

The senior staff's shift had ended minutes before the docking and Helmsman Harry J. Potter raced off of the bridge like a bat out of hell.

"What the hell's wrong with him?" Captain Albus Dumbledore turned and asked his first officer.

"Hell if I know," Remus J. Lupin replied.

Chief Engineer Hermione J. Granger stepped onto the comfortable confines of the Starship Hogwarts and was tackled into a hug by the pilot, Harry J. Potter.

Hermione J. Granger stiffened in his arms, before realizing this was not some deranged lunatic, but her friend, Harry J. Potter.

"What the hell! Gerrof," she first spoke out before the realization and hugging him back.

"What's the matter, Potter?" which muffled as it was by the pilots body sounded more like, "ats he atter otter," to everyone else, but the embraced duo.

"Your cat missed you."

Hermione nodded, then exclaimed, "Bloody hell! Put me down!" As Harry picked her up and started to carry her from the shuttle bay.

"Put me down," she told him, "I order you to put me down."

"Sorry, you can't pull rank on me, remember."

"Urgh, where the hell are you taking me?" She asked, no demanded as they entered a turbolift.

"To see your cat."

"Bloody hell, Harry, you don't have to do all of this to make me take my cat back."

"No, that's not it. I love your cat, and he really misses you, you should see what he did to my pajamas, clawing me before he realized he was stuck with me, then we both laid there in our loneliness, man and cat."

"Great speech, Harry. Bloody hell! Your insane, ridiculous!" And they reached his quarters and Crookshanks.

"What the bloody hell was that about?" Crewman Thomas asked Rus of Sever.. um Severus and Ambassador Dobby.

"I have no idea in hell," Dobby said in response.

"Either of you like to place a bet on whether or not there shagging?"

Seamus Finnegan popped out of the Fudfree tube, yelling: "Bloody hell, I'll take that bet.. How about a whole betting pool so we can be cracked down to Cadet!"

Both Dobby and Severus "Rus of Sever" Snape blinked at the Ensigns, whom shrugged and walked off, back to the hole in wall from whence they came, the Fudfree tubes.

"Bloody hell, Rus of Sever, I love you!" Dobby yelled at his crew mate, whom ran away screaming bloody murder to the storage bay or his lab.

"Arr, what's the bloody hell wrong with him, Arr?" Justin Finch-Fletchy asked Purple Lavender Brown, whom replied, "No idea, Where the hell is my Won-Won?"

"Hell, I may never get a date again.. If the rumours are true," Cormac McLaggen moaned.

"At least you've had a date," Luna Lovegood pointed out serenely.

"Neville, what the hell i that?" Ron asked of Neville's lunch.

"Bloody hell, Ron! It's called a salad."

"Oh, I've heard of those!"

Neville just shook his head.

"Bloody hell, what is wrong with this crew? All I wanted was a bloody cup of tea!" Doctor Madame Pomfrey exclaimed as a nameless (red shirt..) crew member tripped over another, cracking his skull open on a mess hall table, which Pomfrey repaired with a few passes of a regenerator.

"Severus, just cracking to see you," The Parrot greeted Snape, when he entered his lab. Justin Finch-Fletchy close on the birds wing tips.

"Ar, there you are, matey, bloody hell, why'd you fly off?"

"What is hell anyway? Does it exist? Is it just a story to scare little children? Or is it just overly used in phrases?"

"Ay," the parrot said, "Ay."

**AN:** _Just is case there is a United Federation of Peanuts, I didn't know.. so don't blame plagiarism.. if it exists I now cite it's name, if not, then no problems! _

_So how was that? Fun? Everyone but Neville's yet to be explained baby said Hell in this chapter.. or everyone mentioned anyways. _

_The unnamed red shirt, reference to that guy who always dies on away missions, whom we'd never seen before.. till then.. they wore red shirts in the Original series.. different colors in the newer ones, which is what I've grown up with. _

_Review please! Or drop me an email.. esp. if you have any suggestions for things you'd like to see happen in the future... Rumours may be featured in the next part.. _


	10. Rumours

**Scene Ten of the Tenth scene Ten**

Listening to: Beck-Guero.

_**Rumours**_

On the Starship Hogwarts rumours swirled around quicker then you could say "Queer-ditch," which is of course an unusual trench, most likely to be found by the sides of the roads in rural areas, rather then in cities; or something called "Quidditch," which no one really knows what that means.

**Listening to: The White Stripes-De Stijl**

Everyone (but Luna Lovegood), stared openly at Harry Potter as he got breakfast and sat across from Luna Lovegood.

"Hello Harry."

"Hello Luna."

"Hello Harry."

"Hello Luna."

"Hello Harry."

"Hello Luna."

"Hello Harry."

"Hello Luna."

"Hello Harry."

"Hello Luna."

"Hello Harry."

"Hello Luna."

"Hello Harry."

"Hello Luna."

"Hello Harry."

"Hello Luna."

"Hello Harry."

"Okay, enough of that! So what's the new rumour about?"

"Oh yes, you noticed the morons' stares?"

"HEY!" Exclaimed some Crewmember at the next table, whom promptly got up and tripped, causing an avalanche effect, as he toppled over the next table.

"Ah, yes, Rumour has it that Ensign McClaggon and Lieutenant Granger have broken up and she has taken up with you."

"That's preposterous and what does he got that I haven't?"

"Well... Hm..," Luna had to think a few moments if Cormac McClaggon had any positive traits... it took about five.

"He's not bad to look at, but only when he keeps his mouth shut."

"Ah and I'm not?"

"Well, no, you're alright to look at, but your also very brooding and reckless and quite depressing if I might say so."

"Oh," is all he replied.

"But you are quite humorous at times, and are my first friend on this ship and do a great job at saving all of our asses whether on the bridge, or in hand to hand combat situations."

"Thank you, Luna."

"Your welcome, Harry."

Harry grinned, "So who do you fancy?"

"Chief Weasley is quite handsome... As is Commander Lupin... And even Captain Dumbledore, in his own way."

Harry spat out his coffee, "Da.. Du.. Dumbledore?

"Yes," she nodded.

"Bu, but, but.. But he's like at least fifty years your senior!"

"That's disgusting Harry!"

"Oh, thank goodness," Harry sighed at her response.

"Did you hear that Lieutenant Potter's taken up with Lieutenant Granger and the Patil Twins?"

"Lucky Bastard!"

"Did you hear that Ambassador Dobby is in love with Rus of Sever?"

"AHHHHH!" Snape ran screaming from the room.

"Did you hear the rumour that Captain Dumbledore is having an affair with the holographic bar matron, Madam Rosmerta?"

"No, I haven't heard that one!" Albus Dumbledore exclaimed grinning at the shocked crewmembers.

"Did you hear that Ensign Longbottom is having another baby?"

"Who with?" Neville asked, "Because that's preposterous, my mate is back in the Scalta Quadrant."

"I thought your mate was Ginny?"

Neville's face reddened.. "Well.. Um.. Uh.. We haven't figured out the paternity yet."

"But your daughter's four years old?"

"Shut up!"

"Did you hear that Commander Lupin is planning a mutiny?"

"No, you know, Crewman, if I wanted to mutiny.. Wouldn't it have been logical to do so five years ago?"

The Crewman shrugged at the First Officer before scampering away from his friends and Commander Lupin.

**Listening to: The White Stripes-Get Behind Me Satan. **

"Did you hear the rumour that Doctor Madam Pomfrey has a headache?"

"Well, why doesn't she just take something for it?"

"Because it's caused by her assistant!"

"Ah.. Who is her assistant?"

"You don't know! He's been her assistant for two years now... He's probably worked on you.."

"No idea and I'm usually unconscious when in the hospital wi.. Um sickbay."

"Oh, I guess that's true.. You do hit your head a lot."

The other crewman nodded, just missing hitting his noggin on a bulkhead.

"You still have no idea?"

"Yep, no idea."

"Harry Potter."

"You're kidding!"

"Not at all."

"But.. But he spends more time in the hospital wing.. uh sorry, sickbay then like the rest of the entire crew."

"I know!"

"How did he end up becoming the medic?"

"I don't know.. maybe they counted experience in the amount of hours you spent in the sickbay?"

"Maybe."

"Or maybe the Captain is off his rocker?" Supplied Harry.

"Hey, maybe!"

"I heard that, Lieutenant!" Dumbledore shouted twinkly at Harry and the two anonymous Crewmembers.

"Did you hear that Won-Won and Lav-Lav broke up?"

"No, I didn't.. Um, who're Won-Won and Lav-Lav?"

"I have no idea."

"Then why are you telling me?"

"Uh, I guess I thought you might know."

"Ah, well I don't."

"Well, duh, you already said as much."

"Shut up!"

"You."

"You."

"You."

"You."

"Will the both of you shut up with your petty argument.. I don't even know what your arguing about, but shut the bleedin' hell up!" Ronald Weasley ordered the crewmembers, which were arguing amidst he getting on the lift.

**Listening to: The Killers-Hot Fuss. **

The following morning of the day of Rumours, which swirl around everyday.. Just not usually at such a high concentration..

Cormac McClaggon entered the mess hall or Captain's former Great Hall on a mission, to seek out strange new worlds..

Oops, wrong mission. He was on a mission to find Harry Potter.

He spotted him at a table with Neville Longbottom, Rus of Sever.. eh hem, Severus Snape and Luna Lovegood.

McClaggon marched over and tapped Harry on the shoulder. "POTTER!"

"Oh, Hello Cormac, how are you this morning?"

McClaggon glared at Harry, if looks could kill, Lieutenant Potter would be on his way to torpedo casing by now.

"Potter, I challenge you to a duel."

"Why?" Harry replied bemused.

"Because you asshole. Look what you've done!"

"And just what is it that you think I've done?"

"YOU, YOU CONNIVING MALICIOUS BASTARD HAVE TWO TIMED HERMIONE GRANGER, PARVATI AND PADMA PATIL, SUSAN BONES, HANNAH ABBOT, The deceased Ginerva Yelsaew."

"Hey!" Neville exclaimed, "He did not! She was the one who said she broke up with Dobby and Dean and me and Harry.. and .. there's too god damn many to name!"

"LAVENDER BROWN, CHO CHANG, ELOISE MIDGEON, MARRIETTA EDGECOMB, MILLICENT BULSTRODE, ANGELINA JOHNSON, KATIE BELL, ALICIA SPINNET," McClaggon was cut off mid-rant."

"Are half of those women even on this ship?" Ron asked, in which Rus of Sever.. um, Severus replied:

"No, they are not. The last five or so are not currently, nor ever were members of this crew, or they were members of Mister Potter's previous ship or class at the academy."

"Where are these accusations from, McClaggon?" Asked Luna.

"LUNA LOVEGOOD," McClaggon continued.

"Absolutely not, Cormac, that has to be a joke. I just do not find Harry attractive, so you Ensign are lying."

"Potter, I challenge you to a duel to defend those woman's honor."

"What kind of duel?" Like in Yu-Gi-Oh or Pokemon?" Luna asked excitedly, which sparked odd looks from everyone but Rus of Sever, sorry Severus, whom nodded.

"NO!" Cormac McClaggon took a boxing stance and punched Harry on the shoulder.

"McClaggon, you do that again and I'll," Harry was cut off.

"You area liar, Cormac, come on you want a fight, fight me. Not my friend. Whom has done nothing to you. You McClaggon are just shifting the blame."

"STAY OUT OF THIS!" Cormac screamed.

"Why should I? Is it not between you and I?"

"NO! It's between me and Potter!"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO!" Which to everyone but himself sounded like something coming from a nine year old whom declared himself winner after a game a checkers he clearly lost.

Harry stood up, facing McClaggon.

"No Harry, I'll handle this."

"No, it's okay, Hermione," Harry said, Whom as he was turned talking to her was blindsided by a punch to the side of his face.

As Harry prepared to strike back Hermione grabbed his arm and whispered to him, "Let me handle this."

She took up a boxing stance opposing McClaggon and sent a right to Cormac's nose, whom stood there for a brief moment staring in shock as blood dripped down his face, before running off screaming.

"Bloody Brilliant!" Exclaimed Ron Weasley, as Harry said, "Great Punch, Hermione."

**The Vanity Project-Steven Page**

"Your not worried about being reported?" Rus of Sever, Severus asked in shock.

"Come on Sev! Your not going to report her, are you?" Neville asked.

Snape, Rus of Sever, shook his head, 'No.'

"How about the rest of you?" Neville called out to the group.

"The Bloody Wanker deserved it!" Shouted someone in the mess hall, amidst the chaos of everyone shouting there dislike of the arrogant Cormac McClaggon.

"Potter, you should probably get that cleaned up before your shift," Ron the security chief pointed out.

"Yeah, you don't want Lupin or Dumbledore asking why you have a shiner," added Neville.

Harry grinned, then grimaced, "Alright, I guess."

"I'll make sure he gets there," Hermione said as Harry started to walk off, and within a few strides, both were off to the corridor, then turbolift.

"Your quarters?" She whispered in his ear as they entered.

He nodded.

"You still have the... from when Crookshanks?"

Again Harry nodded.

"Good."

He grinned then grimaced as she smiled back at him, the other crewmember probably thinking up a new rumour as the Senior officers conversed in low tones, nods or facial expressions.

There we have it! Part 10! Hope you all enjoyed.. there are a couple of quotes from different sources.. PoA, ST:TNG, etc.. Please Review!


	11. Dumbledore one anyway

**What was wrong with Pt. 10? No reviews, 13 hits… that's the reception the longest part of the story gets.. oh rats.. guess you'll be even more disappointed with this one.. **

Scene Eleven of the Eleventh scene Eleven.

"Lieutenant's Granger and Potter, please stay behind a moment," Captain Dumbledore called to his engineer and pilot.

"Do I need to chastise you for being irresponsible senior staff members and dating? And what a pleasant surprise that was, especially after hearing of the breakup of Won-Won and Lav-Lav!"

"But," Lieutenant's Granger and Potter said at once.

"But what?"

"WE ARE," Started Hermione.

"NOT DATING," Finished Harry.

"But, but, I heard..." The Captain started.

"You heard a rumour, Captain."

"Just a rumour."

"But you spend so much time in each others quarters."

"We have duties, Captain," Hermione said.

"Like designing shuttlecrafts," Harry recommended.

"And besides that, regardless of what others say."

"We are friends."

"Rats! Which of you crewmembers relationship will I cheer for without Won-Won and Lav-Lav, now?" The Captain asked the Lieutenants.

"Uh, who are Won-Won and Lav-Lav?" Harry inquired.

"I don't know!" Exclaimed the Captain.

"Ur, are we dismissed yet, Captain? I really have to feed my cat."

"Yes, go ahead, dismissed," Dumbledore waved them off sullenly.

_**AN: The next part has begun.. Will probably be up next week! **_


	12. The Quibbler: Starship Edition

**Part 12 of the 12th Part 12-**_**The Quibbler: Starship Edition**_

The Quibbler, Starship Edition.

Editor: Luna Lovegood; Contributing Writer: Colin Creevey; Pictures: Colin Creevey.

_Colin answered last issues question the best: "Which Crewmember has been humiliated the worst?" _

_A) Harry Potter_

_B) Cormac McClaggon_

_C) Ronald Weasley_

_D) Neville Longbottom_

_**We at "The Quibbler" will not give his answer for Ensign Creevey's protection. Though if anyone obtains the information we "The Quibbler" has no fault what so ever. **_

"What the Senior Staff Does When They Can't Fall Asleep!"

_Captain Albus P. W. B. Dumbledore: _

Captain Dumbledore catalogs his socks, and says: "If done weekly you maintain your column of lost socks, find those missing sets and ensure you don't have to beg The Computer for new ones!"

_First Officer Commander Remus J. Lupin: _

Commander Lupin, upon first being asked what he does said: "You Ensign, do not need to know that information."

And upon further inquiry said he "spars in his quarters or on the Holodeck."

I, the journalist doesn't understand what's so unusual about practicing hand to hand combat techniques myself...

_Security Chief Lieutenant Commander Ronald B. Weasley: _

Lieutenant Weasley said: "I pick the scabs off of my head and whatever else is in my hair as well!"

When asked if that was all, He asked, "Was that a real question?" Indeed it was.

He then answered truthfully: "Oh, then I guess I should give you a real answer! I have a cup of tea and try to relax before heading off to bed again, or I go to the Cargo Bay and run laps... Keeps me in shape now that..." Mister Weasley choked up, so we concluded our interview.

_Ambassador/Mess Hall Man Dobby: _

Dobby says he plans the menu and depending on how long it takes him, he can go anywhere from a week ahead to a tentative six month plan, pending food stuff supplies. He apologizes for the over abundance of tofu surprise over the past month.. He also hopes it really is tofu, if it is not; it is a substance he is unfamiliar with.

_Crewman Rus of Sever.. Severus Snape: _

Snape says he has no trouble sleeping because he does not sleep, as he has pointed out to me several times, He Regenerates!

_Chief Engineer Lieutenant Hermione Granger: _

Lieutenant Granger has been progressing through the ships data base, so far, five years since our joined Starfleet/Order mission began, she is working her way through the P's, next up is _"The Glorious Starfleet History of the Potter Family"..._ or as it's listed in the data banks: _Potter Family, The Glorious Starfleet History of the. _

Her friend Harry Potter, whom was present at the time of the interview in the mess hall said, "Brilliant, you get to read about everyone in the family but me, the one they'd all like to kill for disgracing them!"

Hermione Granger responded to Lieutenant Potter's comment, but I the reporter was threatened bodily harm before hearing her retort or most likely witty comment.

_Chief Helmsman Lieutenant Harry Potter:_

Lieutenant Harry Potter says he builds models, watches the stars, flies on the Holodeck, brushes up on his medical knowledge, and plans his run from Starfleet upon our return.. I assume he does not do all at once, but those are what he says he does when he cannot sleep.

_Operations Officer (Our Editor on this Unauthorized, but approved by the real Editor's Daughter) Ensign Luna Lovegood: _

Ensign Lovegood doodles, watches old movies, reads, writes fantasy, and said she used to play her clarinet, when she cannot sleep.

_Science Officer Ensign Neville Longbottom: _

Ensign Longbottom does not usually have trouble sleeping, because he spends his waking hours in chase of his daughter, on the bridge or in the ships greenhouses, during his waking hours.

_Doctor Madam Poppy Pomfrey: _

Doctor Pomfrey is almost always on call, so she sleeps: "Whenever is possible!"

**So when do you actually sleep, Doctor?**

"When my assistant is not poisoning patients or mis-diagnosing patients, a broken foot and he applies a compress to the crewman's forehead!"

**"Seriously?"**

"No, I have a penchant for over-exaggeration. Mister Potter is a fine addition to the ships medical staff and a much better companion then the Holographic Doctor."

**Whom she said is an: **

"Annoying, pompous, ugly, bald arsehole, which the programmer put in an atrocious orange jumpsuit. That horrible clashes with what's left of his ginger hair. I mean Chief Granger's cat looks better then him."

**Whom is the hologram modeled after?" **

The brilliant, yet atrociously misguided Computer programmer Perceval Weasley."

**Is he any relation to Chief Weasley?" **

"Yes and I'm not sure how the Weasley family spawned Percy..."

And there my friends and loyal readers is the Senior Staff's sleeping patterns and the habits they have formed when they cannot.

**Question of the Issue: **

_**Is the rumour about Commander Lupin's involvement with one of the following Crewmen true? And if so which and why? (Send to Quarters 338) **_

_**A) Crewman Lavender Brown**_

_**B) Lieutenant Nymphadora Tonks**_

_**C) Lieutenant Hermione Granger**_

_**D) Lieutenant Harry Potter**_

AN: (contest) Anybody catch Colin's defining a word he said earlier in the same sentence? Tell me where and you get... well.. nothing.. but a smile from me.. or even better I'll use your name as one of the future RED SHIRTS to kill off, there's an honor!

I may do the next part in answer to that Poll question... lol. or have the winner write an article about it...

Sorry for the long delay.. SO MUCH WORK TO DO.. Not enough sleep.. Ear Infection.. well.. it's probably that by now.. I think it began as swimmer's ear.. not sure though.. Big Quiz on Genetics in Phys. Anthro, next Tuesday.. and I have 25 pages left to type for my grandmother.. HU fans.. I'm still waiting on the beta.


	13. AHHHHHHH!

**The Adventures of the Starship Hogwarts**

**_13 OF THE 13TH PART 13_** _AHHHH!_

"AHHHHH!" Harry sat up in his bed screaming.

Someone came into his room and they both screamed at each other, "AHHHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY QUARTERS?"

They both looked around.

"This is my quarters," Harry said, "What are you doing in my quarters?" He repeated.

"Right, this is your quarters. I hope your wearing clothes under there."

"Don't worry, I am. Why are you in my quarters?"

"We were working on the shuttle design remember?"

"Yeah."

"I guess I dozed off on your couch."

"And I guess I left you there and went to sleep as well."

"Why did you wake up screaming?"

"Uh.. weird dream."

"What about?"

"Well, these shelves going higher and higher and higher all with.. circular, rectangular.. shapes on them going up, up, up.. I.. I.. I don't know why!"

She blinked at him, "Shall we take a trip to the holodeck and recreate this dream of yours?"

"Why not. COMPUTER, Are Holodeck's One or Two free?"

"Holodeck One is unoccupied," The computer replied impassively.

And they were off through the corridors and onto the turbolift and more corridors to Holodeck one.

Harry configured the program and they entered.. greeted by two other crewmembers in a rather compromising position and they screamed in terror. "AHHHHH!" and backed toward the doors.

"AHHHH!" The crewmembers in a compromising position replied.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed All.

"Lieutenants, please try to keep this quiet, I beg of you, The Quibbler is already on our tail.. Please, we want it to remain private for at least a little longer, please?"

They both nodded and backed out of the Holodeck, back to Harry's quarters... to figure out how they were going to live after that scene... oh the horror of it all.

**AN: **any guesses on who the three crewmembers besides Harry are? Hmm, eh? This was written when I was in a state of insanity.. can't seem to concentrate.. just want to sleep.. or curl up in a ball.. Physical Anthro. exam coming.. Genetics.. scary stuff.. Very tough class.. couldn't concentrate on studying.. so I looked up study abroad stuff and did this.. this house is not a good place to study.. have to stay awake another hour to take my anitbiotics again.. then I can go to sleep.. hope you all enjoyed this bit of insanity.. so how was teh last part.. come on.. no reviews at all? All I ask for is a response of intruiging, or are you mad, or what the fuck is wrong with you.. or even a wow.. this is great.. or are you over dosing on those anti-biotics because I think somethings wrong with you.. .. the next part may be about Luna... or maybe back to quibbler articles.. lets see who won thatt competition on trivia questions.. and none of you took a stab at the challange.. come on I won't kill you you can be a recurring non-essential character if you like!


	14. morning after

Written, Wednesday morning.. posted Thursday afternoon..

an: I'm assuming most of you think I'm insane.. this will take it a step further.. Any guesses on the characters yet? Well.. your answer will come in this part.. the characters are finally named...

**The Adventures of the Starship Hogwarts (don't forget this is a parody, is not meant to be realistic or have any basis is reality or all that)**

**Part 14 of the Fourteenth Part 14**_**- the morning after** _(_and not what your probably thinking right now either_)

"Oh my head!"

"Your head, what about mi cabeza?"

"Mi cabeza muy mal y tu?"

"Yes, my noggin hurts."

"My brain hurts."

"Your brain?"

"Sure.." he stared at her until she finally replied to the stare, "Shut up."

"My skull hurts."

"Oh come on! That's much worse then my brain hurts."

He shrugged, "Yeah, true."

"Why did we decide to cleanse our memories with alcohol again?"

"Yo no se, I don't remember."

"What was so very bad?"

"Yo no se, at least we didn't gouge out our ojos."

"Si, gouging out our eyes would be really bad. What did we see that was so bad to prompt wanting to gouge out our eyes?"

"I don't know, what time is it?"

"1100 hours."

"Shit! I'm supposed to be on the bridge... twenty minutes ago."

"That means I'm supposed to be in engineering and OH, NO! WE MISSED THE SENIOR STAFF MEETING!"

"Oh no!" he said in mock horror.

"Shut up Lieutenant!"

"Get to engineering Granger."

"Well at least I don't have to walk on the bridge thirty minutes late."

"Please don't remind me, I'll be wanting to gouge out my ears after Captain Dumbledore, Commander Lupin and Commander Weasley get through with me."

post an: Eh.. my head hurts.. and that just fit after the horror of the end of last chapter.. my ears are killing me.. yes love the pun since my name is ears.. I can hear about a quarter of the volume of my left ear out of my right ear.. my balance is off.. and I can't concentrate.. so I'm not having a very good time.. next part.. most likely what happens on the bridge/engineering after they arrive... expect the next part within the next three months.. and review.. let me know I still have an audience I'm trying to please.. or make have heart attacks..


	15. Feint

**The Adventures of the Starship Hogwarts**_-Part 15 of the fifteenth part-**Feint**_

?Pilot on the bridge.

Harry took over from the crewman at the Conn and made sure every thing was running smoothly, sensors on line, course laid in correctly, etc, when Captain Dumbledore approached his station.

?Chief in Engineering.

Hermione walked into engineering and started barking out orders to those standing around.. checking the readouts on the Warp core.. and making sure the ship was running in smooth order...

Commander Remus Lupin entered the bridge, and went to Lieutenant Potter's station, where Captain Dumbldore was standing and the Lieutenant feinted straight away.

Second in command in engineering and security, Lieutenant Nymphadora.. don't say her first name.. Tonks approached her superior officer.. to check on what her daily assignments were to be.

Lieutenant Granger feinted upon seeing Tonks.

The Lieutenants were transferred to sickbay upon waking and seeing The Commander and Tonks again, and feinting again.

----------------------------------------------

Doctor Pomfrey hyposprayed the two senior staff members and chastised them for drinking, before asking them why they feinted..

Why did they feint at around the same time on the same day after a night of heavy drinking?

Why were they drinking heavily?

What reason did they have? WHY? WHY? WHY?

They told the good Doctor that something frightened them so much they had to do something, anything to get the images out of their heads.. to un-imprint them from their minds.

**What? What could be so horrifying, Lieutenants?**

It.. it was_.. Commander Lupin entered the sickbay_.

The Lieutenant's feinted a third time.

**I think they have an aversion to you, Commander.. Do you know of any reasons why? Also why would such esteemed senior staff members be drinking? **

_I think I know why, Doctor, something they saw.. hmm, upset them_.

**What did they see**?

_I cannot disclose that, Doctor, it is a private matter_.

**Hmpth. **

_Will you leave us a moment, Doctor.. Which hypo will wake them? _

**The doctor gave him two hypos to awaken the Lieutenants and left them alone with the Commander**.

_Harry, Hermione, please don't feint again. I apologize for you walking in on that.. but why didn't you check and see if the holodeck was occupied before you entered_?

The computer told us it was empty, Commander; said Hermione.

_Oh_.

Yes, Oh, is that all you've got to say.. Why Commander, why.. I thought you loved me!; Harry said dramatically.

_Oh, quit the rubbish, Harry, you know your mate, Luna writes only preposterous things in her magazine, and picks the insanest reporters. _

Oh, thank goodness! ; replied both Lieutenants.

I was afraid you were in love with me.

_Shut up, Lieutenant, and that's an order_.

Aw, Shucks; Harry replied.

_So will the two of you stop feinting at the site of Tonks and myself now_?

I guess; Harry sighed. Hermione nodded.

_Good. Now get back to work, the ship can't fly itself... well it can... but.. and Chief, go take care of those engines. _

Aye, Aye, Sir.; Harry said. Yes, Sir; Hermione said.

-00kgjlkagosdoifppsodfpiosapoifopsafipsofosdfiopsd-00-eri90rfiojasdfjsdlkfjsdlfkjslfkjslfsjlfjsdjf

**AN: Can you believe this was written on 1.5 hours of sleep, pretty unbelievable eh? Yes, I spent the entire night working on my design project, got finished at 6am.. went to sleep 7 am.. one class to survive left today.. Please Review. **


	16. And the Mother is

Part 16 of the sixteenth part 16.. _And the Mother is.. _

"It's amazing the ways to get over the perfect image you have of your parents.. Oedipal complexes.. or not.. just the ways you can."

"Why so, Harry?"

"Oh, I once dated someone who looked like my mother.. it was one of, if not the worst experience of my life so far."

"So far! You expect things to get worse?"

"Well of course! Can only have good things for so long.. when, if we get back, they'll come after me, they'll send me back to my prison cell."

"Why?"

"I'm not a real officer, just field commission, just like you, and the Commander and everyone who was a member of the Order, They only said a few years would be cut off of my sentance if I helped them track you, my former comrades, not that it would be over, so when, if we ever get back to Earth, I'm expecting to be dragged back to that prison."

"Potter, come on! The Captain will put a good word in for all of you. I guarantee HE WILL NOT allow them to arrest any of you. You, Harry and you, Hermione and the rest of the Order crew will be given as much honor as those trained by starfleet when we all return, and if they do arrest you, expect a horrendous backlash from this crew, Am I right, Luna?"

"Very much so, Ronald."

"So who was this horrendous bird you were dating, so I can avoid her now that I'm" choked up, followed by sobbing, "no longer attached?" Security Chief Weasley asked.

"She's no longer a member of this crew.. but it was Ginny Yelsaew."

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK ILL OF THE MOTHER (sperm/egg donor) OF MY CHILD!" Neville roared.

"Wait.. back up the train, Nevvie, that's who helped you concieve your daughter.. I thought you were married?"

"Married, who ever said I was ever married?" Neville asked.

"Uhh.." the whole room looked around wondering.. ... they just alway assumed.. though they had been out here for five years and the kid was only four years old.. how stupid and slow were all of them?

"I thought you said you didn't know who the other parent of your child was.. or was it you just wouldn't say?" Harry asked.

"SHUT UP!"

"Hey!" Harry replied, before shrugging, not like he really had anything to say.

"SO SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME?" Dobby moaned in shock.

"She told me she wasn't dating you anymore!" Neville answered honestly.

"She told me the same thing,"Dean added.

"And me," Seamus tacked on.

"Yeah, I was in that run as well," Harry added.. "How did she lie to all of us for such an extended period of time.. but that month long relationship was horrible! I guess this explains why she was always sneaking off and keeping it all very quiet."

"Did she ask all of you out?" Neville asked.

"Yes," said all but Dobby.

"She was with me before we even got on this ship!" Dobby moaned.

"Did anyone else date her?" Neville inquired of the mess hall.

Many others spoke up...

"Yes, I as well," Dumbledore told them.. "T'was a.."

"We don't need or want to know, Captain," Commander Lupin stepped in before the horror started.

**AN:** _I had another version of this.. but the computer went wacko and I unfortunetly lost it.. so I had to re-write it.. (look what happens the first time I didn't first off write the chapter out!).. The first one had less Ron, more Hermione, Luna, but I lost it, sadly. I hope you all enjoyed.. and Please Review.. PLEASE. _

_Next post.. unknown.. expect the usual random times of previous chapters.. Had to get this out of my system before I forgot.. again.. plus I have mid-terms next week, so not much time._


	17. And the jail falls down

Part Seventeen.. **And the jail falls down**

Note: Minor cursing at the end.

"I just had this horrible dream about little kids swearing.. what are the three of you doing in my quarters?"

"What? You don't remember the four of us becoming lovers? I'm appalled! I should smack you, Potter!" Ron exclaimed.

"NO! Please let this be another nightmare! Not Weasley, NOOOO!"

"Chill, it was a joke, you sure are gullible upon waking up with a head injury."

"Head injury? That explains why I feel like I just went head first into a goal post, then?"

"Sure does."

"Harry, your dream was not a dream," Hermione said soothingly.

"You mean?"

"Yes, Harry, it really happened."

"Luna, are they playing a joke on me?" For once Luna had no trace of loonyness, her own head injury knocking it out for the moment, "Look around Harry, look at our surroundings."

"We're in jail. NOT AGAIN! Why does this always happen to me?"

"Because your such a criminal," Ron remarked snidely.

"Shut up, I am NOT! I haven't murdered anyone.. on purpose!"

"See, told you ALL!" Ron exclaimed.

"Both of you, shut up, lets see if we can figure a way out of here.. or if our combadges work."

"Hey! I'm the one in charge of this away mission, I'm in charge!" Ron whined.

"Okay, Lieutenant Weasley, what do you propose we do?" Hermione replied.

"Uh.." then he muttered, "What you said."

"Perfect." Hermione concluded.

"Who exactly put us in this cell?" asked Harry.

"Children, I think, why?" Ron asked warily.

"Because dum, dum they left us our phasers."

"Ruddy brilliant you are! I could kiss you!"

"Please don't," Harry replied to Ron, backing up.

"What is this cell made out of? Ron, you were the first one awake, did you test the wall?" Hermione inquired of the red-headed security chief.

"No," he replied blankly , as Luna stood up , the smallest of the group and went over and pushed on a wall... which started to topple over, the roof coming in on the three in the interior of the cell, whom grabbed there stuff and ran.

"Cartman, CARTMAN!"

"What?"

"There getting away."

"What?"

"The prisoners are getting away."

"Kyle, you idiot, you were supposed to be guarding them!"

"NO, I wasn't, Fat Ass!"

"IT KILLED KENNY!" Yelled Stan, "Your stupid jail killed Kenny, Cartman, you stupid Fat Ass!"

And the crew members of the Starship Hogwarts made it to there shuttlecraft and got off that planet as quick as they could, after sustaining lumps on the head from the planets dwellers.

They all had visits to the hospital wing lined up even before docking in the shuttle bay, followed by there de-briefing with the Captain and Commander.

**Post AN:** Disclamor.. to HP and everyone that owns that.. and to Southpark.. whomever owns that. Review if you will.. if not.. well.. I guess I can't do anything about it.. but eh.. make you wait longer for updates? Next one by Mid-December.. most likely before then.


	18. Staff Meeting in Pajamas

Part Eighteen. Staff Meeting in Pajamas

"La la la la la la la la."

"Captain? Captain Dumbledore? Albus?" Commander Lupin asked as the Captain continued to sing, while observing his senior staff.

"Well, eh, let's get the meeting started.. just.. eh, ignore the Captain's singing."

"Why are we here?" Ronald Weasley, the security asked.. in his pajamas...

Actually, all of the senior staff is in pajamas (and robes for a few), except for Lieutenant's Potter and Granger whom are in there off duty garb, Rus of Sever, eh hem, Severus Snape and Does Rus of Sever ever change clothes? ... And Dobby was just in his normal clothes, though his normal clothes could also pass for pajamas.. so no ones too sure if he's dressed in his night garb or day garb.

"Captain, why are we here?" Commander Lupin asked his higher up.

"La la la la la la."

"Maybe we should sing along?" Harry asked half heartedly, looking rather exhausted.

Everyone but Luna stared at him as if he had grown an extra head... "It was only a suggestion," He shrugged as Luna said, "I thin we should," and she joined in..

They were still in tune as Dumbledore, Luna and Harry sang, "La la," etc.

Until Ron Weasley joined in and the shrill, shrieking of his singing made Dumbledore stop, "Oh yes."

"Next time you go all batty on us Captain, we'll have Chief Weasley sing to you."

"Oh joy," muttered the Captain in reply.

"Hey, I'm a great singer!" Ron exclaimed.

"You just keep telling yourself that, Weasley," Hermione replied as everyone else nodded along in earnest.

"I guess I shall tell you why I gathered all of you my so great and wonderful senior staff?"

"Flattery will get you no where at this hour, Captain," Ron pointed out.

"Well, I'm still awake," Harry said.

"So am I," Hermione added.

Everyone and the display panels stared at them.

"What?" they asked in unison.

"Do we really want to know why the both of you were awake?" Commander Remus asked.

"Sure, if you would like to know," Harry replied.

"Oh, GOD NO!" Ron exclaimed.

"What's wrong with you, Weasley?" Hermione inquired.

"Damn, you guys are acting as if! I don't even want to know why your acting like this! Damn, we were just rock climbing on the Holodeck," Harry exclaimed.

"Rock climbing?" Ron asked.

"Yes, rock climbing," Hermione confirmed as Ron replied, "If you say so, Granger, Potter."

"Shut up, you three! What is this meeting about, Captain?" Remus Lupin asked.

"Hm, several days ago, Rus of Sever, eh hem, Severus. Well, Rus of Sever, eh hem, Severus brought to my attention a very mineral rich planet, just a wee bit out of the way of the ships main course. So I say, you go on an away mission to collect some of those substances."

"Okay, Captain, who would you like to go?"

"You, Remus and Commander Weasley, Lieutenant's Potter and Granger, Ensign Lovegood, Severus, and Dobby."

"So all of us then, Captain, well except for Doctor Madam Pomfrey, are you sure we'll be safe with Potter?"

"Harry is a fine medic, you will be fine," the Doctor assessed there fears.

"Yes exactly Captain," the Captain replied to Remus.

"Uh, Captain, your the Captain," Hermione pointed out.

"Ah, right, I am quite tired. I meant Commander. The seven of you will be leaving in the afternoon. Rus of Sever, eh hem, Severus, please make sure you are properly regenerated and please give Harry the proper coordinates and such before take off."

"Yes, sir," Severus replied precisely.

"Now you may all head off to bed, you leave in the afternoon. Is there anything else any of you would like to discuss before you are dismissed?"

"Are there food stuffs on this planet?" Inquired Dobby.

"Severus?" the Captain turned to the former Voldemort Collective member.

"My scans say yes."

"Ah, Wonderful!" Dobby exclaimed, extremely excited at the prospect.

"Anything else?" The Captain inquired.

No one said a peep, "Then you are dismissed."

Everyone raced out of there to get a few more hours (or there only hours) of sleep, before having to prepare for the Captain's mission of the week.

**AN:** Here we have the part before the giant part.. please give a review.. since I haven't gotten any for about 5 chapters.. come on.. is anyone reading?


	19. Tales of the Senior Staff

Part 19-- Tales of the Senior Staff

"Ahh! Dots! No, please no more dots!"

"Will you quit having nightmares on away missions, or in prisons, Potter?" Ron the Chief of Security exclaimed.

"When will you quit having nightmares about spiders, Lieutenant Ronald?" Luna asked serenely, which made Ron redden to the color of his outrageously bright hair.

"Why is Commander Lupin never on away missions?" Inquired Hermione.

"Hey, I'm on this one, Lieutenant. What do you miss the old days of sneaking around and undermining the Deaterardieureloods?"

"Don't get me started, Remus," Hermione replied.

"I remember when you recruited me," Harry said softly.

"Yeah, you were in a pub. Drunk off your arse and tried to pick a fight with myself and my comrade, rest his soul, before accepting my offer."

"Potter killed 'em!" Ron exclaimed in shock.

"No, not at all. With all the booze he consumed, Harry was quite slow and dull witted."

"Do I have permission to speak freely, Remus?" Harry asked.

"Isn't that what we were doing?" The Commander refuted.

"Just making sure, so I can say, Fuck Off!"

"You were a horrible drunk after you first came aboard, Harry, though by the time you betrayed us. Well, you were okay in some respects.. Besides a few binges, you sure could, still can fly the ruddy ship, sober or not."

"Thank you for the complement on my flying skills. If it weren't for you, so many times over on that ship and Hogwarts as well would be wrecks."

"That ship was a wreck, Harry! Didn't you ever go into the engine room?"

"I did loads of times, helping you, Hermione out."

"I know you did, Potter," she laughed.

"Remember when we were building that hideout in the badlands and Narcissa just sat there and we did all the work. Thanks a lot for sending her down and leaving her with us for a week, Remus!"

"She didn't help at all? The both of you built those cabins all by yourselves?"

"Yes," Harry acknowledged, "With your ex-bitch playing foreman."

"Damn, if I'd only known!"

"Known what?"

"What we found out about her just a few years later."

"I know Remus, she was my friend, or I thought she was," Hermione replied.

"I still can't believe we had two spies on our ship near the end!"

"Yeah, Ron here, he being lost with you and my familiarity with your ship, Remus and the territory is why Captain Dumbledore got me out of prison. He said if I helped him find his lost Crewman, I'd be released from prison, wouldn't have to go back after helping him. Looks like he was right," Harry laughed, "I didn't have to go back, got whisked away with all of you, no one wanting anything to do with the treasonous traitor and former convict."

"That's for sure!" Exclaimed Hermione, "I hated you for what you did to us, selling us out to Starfleet! But then, I saw what the rest were doing to you, even the Starfleet officers took jabs at you when they could, I think Luna was the only person who gave you a chance at first. The former Order crewmembers beat the shit out of you at every turn, whenever they found you alone.. If anyone saw, myself included unfortunately, we just went the other way, pretended nothing was happening."

"I didn't know this!" exclaimed Commander Lupin, "Yes, I was quite angry, furious with you Harry, but no one should endure getting there ass handed to them everyday."

"I had no idea of these events, Potter," Security Chief Weasley exclaimed.

"Well, I kept it quiet," Harry said sardonically.

"You earned a lot of respect from the Order crew, Harry, by taking those poundings and not saying anything." Hermione told him.

"Well, I had practice, prison, you fight back to a certain point, but when those guards come, you don't let them see you throw a punch, let it be all the other guy."

"Aren't you a sneaky bugger!"

Harry shrugged. "Gotta attempt to stay alive somehow."

"The three of you were in Starfleet at one time, or at least at the academy, right?" Ron inquired of the three former members of the Order. "Well, I'm positive you were, Potter, you as well, Commander."

---------------------------------------------

The First Night:

All three nodded in the affirmative, "I dropped out third year, joined the engineering corps. Hopped around working on different cargo ships, until one of those ships was attacked by the Dieterardieureloods. The Order saved me so I went to work for Remus and the rest of the story since then is mostly common knowledge. I was part of the Order for four years before we were sucked away to this quadrant." Hermione explained.

"What about before the academy?" Harry asked.

"You mean like where I'm from.. Family and such?"

"Yeah," he replied.

"Everyone want me to tell?"

Everyone looked at her intently.

"Okay. I was born in New New Londontown.. Some stupid American was one of the founders and forced them to put the town at the end. New New Londontown on the planet Cornershopopia, just outside the Milky Way galaxy.

My mother was a Starfleet Doctor and my Father, a medical researcher. Both of my parents have an enormous fascination with teeth, no matter the species, they studied them.

Which I think is kind of why they got married, there mutual love of teeth," Hermione scoffed.

"My parent's relationship got progressively worse as I aged. Finally, when I was ten Mom filed for a divorce and enlisted in active duty on a starship. Leaving the research facility in New New Londontown, which both my parents had worked at since before I was born.

I haven't seen my Mother since she left.. Now most likely never will.

After about another year of living in the colony, Dad took a research job on the klipon home world.

I was the only human at my school. I stuck out like a sore thumb among the klipons.

When I was fifteen I took the Starfleet Entrance exams and passed with flying colors. I took a transport to Earth that spring, passed the boot camp portion and psychological tests and was admitted into the academy, I started a month before my sixteenth birthday.

I did quite well in all of my courses.. Tops in my year in engineering, but the rigidness of it all, the lack of freedom. My string of insane roommates.. I just gave up.

By the end of my third year I didn't want to be there anymore, so I quit.

I remember hearing about you, Harry. The hot shot pilot with a chip on his shoulder and probably as much emotional baggage as I was carrying around.. Or at least at that time.

But you're a Potter, so you had to succeed, everyone said."

Harry gritted his teeth at the references to him during there academy days, before he spoke quietly and calmly, "I always wanted to talk to you, but I was scared.. That boyfriend of yours, the blonde bloke, heard he beat up anyone who even looked at you."

"Blonde bloke?" She asked. "This is news to me, I never dated anyone during my time at the academy."

"You didn't? Well, maybe it was you who beat him up.. That must've been it. Why I steered clear of you."

"I did beat up a blonde rat faced arsehole for threatening me.. I almost got expelled for breaking his nose.. Dra-"

"-co Malfoy?" Harry asked in a whisper.

She nodded.

"That's one of the guys he got killed!" Security Chief Weasley exclaimed.

Harry nodded, with his head hung low.

"That's probably a good thing, then," Hermione said, "I'm pretty sure he was on command track and would have most definitely made a horrible leader.

He was so condescending and such a prick. I'm betting anyone who had to serve under him would have mutinied after half a day, hell, half an hour!"

"Harry, you killed a future officer with a stick up his arse!" Remus exclaimed, to much laughter.

Harry just looked at them sadly.

"How about your story tomorrow night, why it all happened, why and how you've become the upstanding man you currently are after your early and late hardships?" Remus grinned with much introspection on what Harry was going to say.

---------------------------------------------

The Second Night:

"I remember you when I was young Remus, I remember seeing you and Sirius at my parent's apartment."

"Admiral Black?" Ron inquired.

Harry and Remus nodded.

"It was the first time I remember being on Earth. I guess you and Sirius had shore leave when I was born, but I certainly do not remember that."

"You were two, that shore leave. Lily had just been promoted to Liutenenant Commander. James was promoted not long after. You were five when they both achieved Commander and split to different ships." Remus put in.

"I was sent to live with my Aunt and Uncle then. I remember that. I didn't see much of Mum or Dad after that.. Dad was promoted to Captain just before I turned eight, was given his own ship.. Mum already had her own. I had models of those ships. September that year, Dad died in a freak outbreak of some disease. The transporters didn't detect and it killed half the crew before they reached a star base where they were kept in quarantine. They found the cure just two days after he succumbed to it, TWO DAYS!"

"I know Harry, I remember." All the crewmembers with the Pilot and First Officer were quite shocked by this unexpected history between them.

"Mum had shore leave for a month that Christmas. It would be the last time I saw her in person. She died in an attack by the Rumulunus less then a year later.. Halloween. When I was nine years old. Sirius became my guardian then. Remus, you spent a lot of time with me while you were training Cadets at the academy then.. You were a... a.."

"Lieutenant Commander."

"Sirius was still on active duty, he was a Commander on some ship then, He wasn't scheduled for a stop on Earth for another year. He set Remus, he set you up as my guardian in his sted. I was quite pleased to be away from my Aunt and her family, then."

"I know you were. I could tell how miserable you were. You lost both parents in a little over a year, you godfather was ten months away, so you got me."

"Thank you, Remus, who knows how much worse I would have turned out without you for that time?"

Remus chuckled, "I don't think I want to know."

"I would have been drowning in misery if I spent another year with my mother's sister and her family."

Remus gave a little nod.

"Sirius was given his own command when he returned from that mission, and a ten year old to raise.. I wouldn't see Remus again till he offered me a job.. I was a hellion, I don't know how Sirius put up with me. That is until he knocked me into shape. Threatened that he'd send me back to live my Aunt and Uncle that put me in line.

I didn't step another foot out of line till after I got accepted to the academy.. I started swaying from the rigidness of it all around the time third and fourth years.. Then on my first assignment, that's when I destroyed my career.

Sirius had just recently been promoted to Admiral, when I screwed up and got those people killed, then I lied about it. I know I should have told the truth but.. But I was scared, what would Sirius say, Remus say, my parents if they'd been alive.. If I got reprimanded before even being assigned to a vessel.. So I lied. I lied and that is the biggest mistake of my life.

I was haunted by that fateful decision for the next year. I came clean on the one year anniversary of the accident.

I was booted out of the fleet and went into a tailspin from there. Flying for whoever hired me, no matter the job.. Then you came along Remus and I was so far gone.. If I hadn't been so drunk I would've jumped at the chance. I tried to keep my head reasonably down with the Order. The Order gave me a chance to fly a real ship again.

Then.. Well, you won't believe me, none of you will."

"What won't we believe, Harry?" asked one of other senior staff members.

"When I was captured by Fleet.. I didn't give the Order away. Okay, I did, but not until Dumbledore came calling a couple of years later. Fleet offered me everything but a commission to give the Order away at first. I wouldn't, so they locked me up for being a terrorist."

"We were NOT Terrorists!" Hermione exclaimed, "We, the Order were defending the people the Ministry had abandoned!"

"I know," Harry replied.. "Well, you all know the rest, couple years of prison, Dumbledore offers my release if I helped him find his lost officer and here I am, Four years later."

---------------------------------------------

The Third Night: Commander Lupin's story.

"I was born on a planet that the Ministry of Planets ceded to the Dieterardieureloods a few years after I became a member of Fleet.

My parent's and I didn't see eye to eye.. Especially on my decision to join Fleet. My father was outraged with my decision. He told me to never come back since I was leaving, forsaking the life my family had taken to the numerous generations since they had left Earth.

My father had a farm and a vineyard.. I have no idea how my English Grandparents of several generations before my birth came to make wine. I think they may have won a bet against one of the Lestranges ancestors, but I'm not sure.

Rodolphus Lestrange was my boyhood nemesis... Even though he was a few years older then I. He was in his third year at the academy when I started and met your parents, Harry.

My three roommates first year were Harry's Dad, James, Sirius Black and a bastard, we now know named Peter Pettigrew. You all met him of course."

Harry started on his experiences of Pettigrew, "He booked me when I was arrested for treason actually. He knew who I was as well, told me so, plus I met him at Dad's funeral and a few other times when I was quite young. He was also of course the infamous spy of Hogwarts. I do apologize for my actions, again Remus. Captain Dumbledore and Ron thought it'd be best if you didn't know, since my duty was to get under your skin, get into enough trouble to make it look plausible for me to leave Hogwarts."

"I know Harry, those Orders must have been difficult considering our history."

"Oh, they were, though I had spent the previous five years burying the good memories, sir."

"I understand, Harry."

"It definitely came as a shock to find Peter on Hogwarts after I became Captain Dumbledore's first officer. I had not seen Peter since James' funeral, he didn't make it back for Lil's. He and Narcissa being the traitors really gave me shaky trust in all of you for awhile afterwards, especially you, Harry.

Knowing you as a child, then meeting several of your adult incarnations, left a particularly sour taste in my mouth in comparison. The sweet little boy was replaced by a drunken, treasonous prick!" Remus exclaimed and everyone laughed, "I'm glad you've gotten your life together on Hogwarts, Harry."

Harry nodded.

"Ah, now back to my story. I delayed putting in my concentration until just before my third year. I spent my first two years doing a bit of everything but medical. I settled on becoming a pilot, though dabbed in a bit of everything till the end.

I was also on command track or en route to becoming an academy professor, which I did become for a year or so before becoming first officer on a starship, back when I was still a Lieutenant Commander and prior to the revelations of the going on back home.

During my last tenure in Fleet, during the final five years before I resigned my commission I kept hearing whispers and reports of trouble with the Dieterardieureloods and the former Ministry colonists. The planet I grew up on was ceded in the treaty...

Hearing of the attack on my home, then the news of the death of my family is what put me over the edge.

I resigned my commission and took off to join the Order. In my time as an Order Commander I recruited many excellent crewmembers, many terrible and the rest of my story is essentially known.

---------------------------------------------

Night Four.

"How about you tonight, Rus of Sever, eh hem, Severus?"

"I do not have much to say, Commander."

"That's okay, tell us what you will."

"I do not remember Earth. The computer says that is where I was born. My parents were scientists.

When I was five, I was assimilated by the Voldemort Collective. The last thing I remember about my parents was acceptance, acceptance of the collective, after a short struggle by my parents against them.

I do not have any other significant memories of life. I remember my time and acts as a member of the collective. I remember my time on Hogwarts now as it will soon continue. I have nothing further to say."

"Oh, Severus, I'm so sorry!" Dobby exclaimed throwing his small arms around the former member of the Voldemort collective.

"Get off me, Get off!"

"OH SEV, Why do you push me away?"

"SHUT UP" Yelled a guard, before hitting Dobby in the head with the butt of his rifle, knocking the little Green man out, and the guard glared at them all, before resuming his post, patrolling the area of the compound with his fellows.

"Well, I think that means shut your yaps and go to sleep," Ron addressed the others.

"Wow, the security chief is stating the obvious! Never thought I'd see the day!"

"Hermione," Remus reprimanded sternly, before starting to the rest of them, "With Dobby unconscious, I think we shall call it a night. Harry, will you make sure he's still alive and doesn't have any injuries severe enough to cause his death?"

"Why me?"

"Because you're the medic!"

"I know that buy why, why, why am I the medic?"

"Because you have the most medical knowledge out of all of us since the nurse in training turned into a freaking ball of light!"

"I highly doubt that."

"Highly doubt what? We all saw her turn into a ball of light, she blew up one of our few remaining original shuttle dammit! You've only had to help build twenty since you keep crashing them."

"I don't keep crashing all of them, Commander Weasley has destroyed at least five!" Harry defended.

"Well sorry for having damn good aim!" Weasley exclaimed, which sprouted chuckles from all but the unconscious Dobby and the emotionless drone Snape.

Harry crawled over to Dobby, checked him out, deemed him able to be moved and picked him up and carried him over to the "hut" he was sharing with Hermione, Luna and Dobby.

Remus had deemed it necessary to separate Severus and Dobby and Ron and the rest. You certainly don't want to loose your engineer, pilot, security chief and chef to another crewmember whilst in prison.

"Harry, how is he?"

"Oh fine, just unconscious," Harry replied, as he crawled under the blanket he was sharing with Dobby, Hermione and Luna.

"That's good," she replied.

"So who will win the battle of the blanket tonight?" Harry inquired with much mirth.

"Dobby," both woman replied in unison.

"I'll third that. You'd think we'd be lucky sleeping with him, since he's small. But NO, he takes all the blanket! Hey, maybe that's why Ginny went and blew up on him?"

The woman laughed, "You went to far there, Harry, you should've left it at the blanket.. Sheesh, blew up on him.. Terrible connotation and bad joke there, my friend."

---------------------------------------------

The fifth night o el noche quinto.

"How about you, Mister Weasley? Would you like to go?"

"Of course, Commander. I'll start with a bit o history. My Grandparents on both my Father's and to a lesser extent my Mother's side were fascinated with humans. Well, they were when they met one three hundred and fifty years ago.

Consequently, my Grandfathers were both in the government service of Redlan and were both among the diplomatic corps whom first met humans from the Starship: Bloody Hell This Thing Actually Flies.

My Grandfather's were both among the officials whom met Captain Arthur Mollycoddled the Third, and obviously had great impressions of him. When my father was born seven years later, he was Arthur after the great Captain.

My mother was born twelve years post the Captains visit to Redlan, her name was taken from the Captain's surname, which in the intervening years, my maternal Grandparent's learned the beginning was a possible name for a human females, Molly.

I am the sixth son of Arthur and Molly Weasley. My father was utterly obsessed with anything human, anything at all to do with anything about them. Consequently, each of myself and my five elder brothers have human names.

My eldest brother William or Bill for short, was born one year into their marriage, my second eldest brother, Charles, seven. The third, Percieval, fourteen. Twenty-one years into their union, they had something quite odd on Redlan, Twins! My brothers Fredrick and George. I came seven years later in the twenty-ninth year of their partnership. Seven years after myself, a sister was born, but she either died, or disappeared, the whole episode is odd and unusual, in regards to my having a sister supposedly.

I, on my father's encouragement applied to the academy, just after my thirty-fifth birthday or fifteenth in human years, Redlan's age slower then humans."

"How old are you now? In Redlan years, anyhow?" Harry butted in.

"One hundred and thirty three."

"You've been in Fleet for one hundred years?" asked Severus Snape, being the only one capable of doing math in one second.

"No, Rus of Sever, er.. Severus. I took a fifty year sabbatical after my first twenty years. You see I had been married for many years and wanted to see more of my wife and children.

Fifty years later, I was offered a post as a Professor at the Academy and took it.

Ten years after that I was assigned to a ship containing a fine young Commander named, Albus Dumbledore. That is how I met our Captain, by serving under him with the Great Captain and later Admiral, Orion Black.

I next served under a brilliant young Captain, after numerous years serving with Orion and Albus. Potter, you would know this brilliant young woman, Lily Evans-Potter. Her death was quite the tragedy."

"You served under Lily," Remus exclaimed, "I had no idea!"

"Yes, she always spoke quite highly of you, Commander."

"Uh, Ron, I think Dobby has a question, well that or he really needs to use the toilet," Harry cut in.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," Dobby said excitedly, "I had a question Lieutenant Commander, How many children do you have?"

"Twelve. Eight sons, four daughters."

"Your so much older, yet you seem younger then even Commander Lupin sometimes, why?" asked Hermione thoughtfully.

"Redlans age much slower then humans, that is why I entered the academy at thirty five Redlinian year, yet in all equivalents appeared to be fifteen human years." Ron answered before going straight back into his story.

"Seven years ago I received my new post, on Albus Dumbledore's new Command, Hogwarts, and was soon after assigned to infiltrate the Starship Order of the Order, under the Command of former Fleet officer, Remus J. Lupin. You all know the rest of the story."

---------------------------------------------

The Sixth Night

"I'll go tonight," Luna said with an aire of self assuredness.

"My father is a journalist, now editor of an obscure weekly in Great Britain, The Quibbler.

My mother died when I was nine soon after the time of my Father's greatest triumph, He discovered the Crumple-Horned Snorkack in Lapland. She died of frost bite whilst conducting an experiment in the extreme cold of January.

My father is an odd man, but he encouraged me to be and do what I wished to do, he and my mother always told me to be myself no matter what others thought, hence I have been ridiculed much like my parents before me.

People said Crumple-Horned Snorkacks didn't exist and my father proved them wrong.

I entered the Academy at fifteen and excelled in engineering and operations. Out of the Academy I was offered two stupendous opportunities, one at the Corps of Engineers on Earth, the other a post on a top of the line ship, Hogwarts.

You all are well aware of my choice.

The only thing of note that happened between my acceptance of this post, graduation and arrival would be meeting Harry on the space station Six Deep Feet Under, where he saved me from a fraggle bartender.

That is how our friendship emerged. From the man who I had long known as a killer and a liar saving me from another liar," she concluded ironically. "I am finished with my brief version of my history."

---------------------------------------------

The Seventh Night. The Night of Dobby, Dobby's Tale.

"My planet Elfon is now a wasteland of ice, snow, deserts and toxic wastes, with nauseous gasses to breathe." Dobby teared up.

"The reasonably in comparison clean air of Dobby's youth is no more! In my ninth year of life a new leader seized the head of our nation through the bribing of our high justices.

A son of a former leader, Wrog B Sughe. In the sixteen years since the father's mediocre reign, we had a leader who brought peace and prosperity.

In Leader Wrog's opening year he began by doing all in his power to dismantle the work of his predecessor and plunging our state into war with the two other states on our world, whom did nothing to provoke us besides having a resource Wrog wanted, Black Gold.

In a few short years Wrog dismantled all laws protecting non-elfin life on Elfon, the measures he took removed everything from the amount of toxins allowed to be released into the air, nothing, not even purifiers or filters to be used, the corporations were free to do as they pleased.

Wrog even allowed the hunting of previously protected and critically endangered animals, already besides elves, which he was sending to die in his wars anyway.

Within two time he brought our entire previously quite peaceful planet to world war.

Nuclear weapons turned once great cities into wastelands, whole continents populations infected by biological weapons.

Soon the entire world became contaminated by the aftershock of both, large portions of the previously lovely planet uninhabitable.

In the eighth year of Wrog's reign of terror he was assassinated by one of his biggest rivals.

The rival took power and brought the war to a halt and restored peace, but the damage was already too great and if we had the means to leave Elfon we were advised to do so.

My family did not want to leave our world, but I did.

Dobby has done many odd jobs over the years, as you Hogwarts can surmise by my job before Hogwarts, A trader of socks.

That is what I have to tell, not so much about Dobby, but about the tragedy of Dobby's planet. Especially now that all life that was once thriving is dead or almost."

"Dobby, who fought in the war?" Harry asked.

"The different factions of elves. I myself was born a house elf. We were defined in our living in elf made material structures. There were also tree elves and earth-dwelling elves.

Elves between the factions rarely intermarried. You were always defined by what you were born as, even if you left the house elves to join the tree elves, you were still defined as a house elf.

After Wrog started his reign of terror, a small faction of my brethren joined the tree and earth elves, but as they were already the minority on our world, it did not help much.

Wrog set out to destroy all those against him, even if they were his fellow house elves.

In the eight years of his reign Wrog had murdered his political enemies or destroyed them through his biased mouthpiece, the media.

He blackmailed and hunted down any who disagreed with him.

How did he find out you ask? He wired all of our homes without our knowledge, when the word spread of this on the underground, elves like my parents even became too afraid to speak in there own homes.

A few years into the reign of terror and destruction, my father defected to the land of the tree elves to help in the fight against Wrog.

He was very fortunate to survive the war when millions of other elves died.

In the eighth year of Wrog's reign the combined forces of the faction of Anti-Wrogs' house elves, the tree dwellers and earth dwellers stormed toward the seat of government and defeated Wrog.

But as I said before, the damage was too great for our world to overcome, even with the new peace, thousands who had the means and health to evacuate did evacuate. I in my eighteenth year left amongst them, and Dobby never would see or hear of my family again."

---------------------------------------------

On the eighth night of the Hogwarts senior staff's imprisonment, they escaped the prison camp and unbeknownst to them as they climbed through a tunnel beneath the secure barrier and force field, Hogwarts beamed them aboard as the last one, Ronald Weasley, climbed into the underbrush of the forest surrounding the enslaved labor camp and all seven senior staff members were beamed home.


	20. Senior Staff Debriefing, Real! Hot! Food

Part 20. Senior Staff Debriefing y Real! Hot! Food!

"Now why did your mission fail?" Captain Dumbledore demanded of his assembled, fresh out of sickbay command staff, Ambassador and ex-drone.

"We were ambushed on arrival, Albus!" Ron exclaimed.

"And why was that?"

"Your landing coordinates, sir. You landed us smack-dad into forbidden territory."

"And how is that my fault?"

"It was an inhabited world, sir!" exclaimed Hermione.

"That is incorrect Lieutenant. It was a quite sparsely populated world, you numbskulls just had to land near the prison camp!"

"You directed us there, Captain!" Harry exclaimed exasperated.

"You should have realized where you were heading and adjusted your coordinates."

"How is this our fault? We didn't try to end up in prison, it just happened!" Hermione exclaimed quite beyond irritation.

The Captain looked at each of his seething (with the exception of Snape the stoic and Dobby the oblivious) Senior Staff in turn, before speaking again, "So there were no life threatening injuries and nothing much of note to report that cannot be said in writing?"

Harry spoke, as medic of the team, "The only injury besides bumps and bruises happened to Dobby on our fourth night in the camp. Dobby was knocked unconscious by one of the guards. The Doctor confirmed as I had been monitoring Dobby since then, he did not sustain a concussion or any trauma to his brain, most fortunately."

"Oh, how misfortunate.. Eh, meant fortunate indeed," the Captain recovered quickly. "Your all dismissed. Oh, yes, you will all have the next two days to recover from your ordeal. So make the best of it."

And Dobby, Ron, Severus, Luna, Hermione, Remus and Harry all headed for an extremely late dinner, which would be there first REAL, HOT MEAL in a week.

Something, anything that was recognizable as food, anything that did not resemble the mystery gruel of the past week.

Dobby went behind the counter in the kitchen in the mess hall and smiled, taking in the familiarity of it, "What will yous be having?"

The entire band of recent prison escapees looked deep in thought when Luna exclaimed, "Let's make pizza!"

Everyone quickly warmed to the idea.

"We can duplicate crust," Luna supplied the answer to do any of us know how to throw dough, and none of them wanted to watch Dobby try...

"Dobby, do we have any tomatoes?" asked Remus.

"And peppers?" asked Hermione.

"How about onions?" asked Harry.

"What about anchovies?" Ron inquired.

"No anchovies, Lieutenant Commander, I out rank you, I order No anchovies."

"You order, nice pun, Commander!" Harry exclaimed.

"Dobby will **pop** over to the greenhouse bay and get the ingredients," and Dobby disappeared with a **"pop." **

And they all stared at the space he had previously occupied, stopping whatever they were doing, amid cheese grating and chopping up duplicated pepperoni.

Dobby **popped** back in, arms laden with vegetables.

"Dobby, how did you do that?" Hermione asked seriously.

"Dobby popped."

"Popped?"

"Yes, I just think of the place I want to go and pop."

"Why didn't you pop out of the prison then?" Asked Ron.

"Oh, Dobby cannot pop through force fields."

"You all up for mushrooms on the pizza?" Remus asked.

Some said sure, other grumbled.

"You can pick stuff off if you don't like it, crybabies!" The Commander exclaimed humoursly.

That satisfied everyone and an hour later they all sat down to pizza.

Captain Dumbledore peeked into the scene, while getting a cup of tea, and Ensign McClaggon came into the kitchen behind him for a cup of coffee.

"They'll mutiny now there all chummy, Captain. I'd luck 'em in the brig, the whole lot of them."

"Ensign, how long has this crew been together?"

"Five years, sir."

"How many mutinies have we had?"

"None, sir."

"Thank you, you just answered your own moronic question. Have a good shift, Cormac," and the Captain exited from the door whenst he came, through the back of the kitchen, McClaggon soon following behind with his own drink.

The Senior Staff oblivious to that little conversation sat and ate and had a good time in the company of the friends they are, who have endured what they have and enjoying there first night back on home sweet starship.

AN: Here's a funny side note.. the spell check on word wants to change McClaggon to Octagon!


	21. Rocks

Part 21.. ROCKS.

"AHHHH! WHAT IS THAT NOISE?" Ron asked in terror.

"TELEVISION!" Harry exclaimed.

"WHAT?" Remus asked.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PLACE... TELEVISION.. THAT HASN'T BEEN AROUND IN AGES.. AT LEAST NOT ON EARTH." Hermione thought out loud.

"WHY ARE WE ALL TALKING IN LOUD VOICES?" Asked Luna, yelling louder then all of them.

"I DON'T KNOW." Everyone but Luna replied.

"I CAN'T STOP TALKING LIKE THIS!" Dobby exclaimed.

"NEITHER CAN I," Tonks exclaimed shocked.

"TONKS?" They all asked.

"HELLO." She said with a little wave.

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?"

"I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.. ASK THE CAPTAIN, I GUESS HE WANTED MORE SECURITY PRESCENCE ON THIS ONE."

"OH, I CAN SURE SEE WHY," Ron said sarcastically, "WHAT'S NEXT, PURPLE CARBON BASED LIFE FORM EATERS?"

"NO WE ARE NOT PURPLE OR CARBON, WE ARE FOAM, YES, FOAM." yelled some giant thing that looked like a cross between bubbles as found in a bath and gak with Styrofoam in it.

"UH... WHY ARE WE TALKING SO LOUD, MISTER.. UM.. FOAM?" Remus inquired.

"BECAUSE THAT IS HOW WE SPEAK HERE ON PASTOLAND."

"PASTOLAND?"

"THAT IS CORRECT, YOU ARE ON PASTOLAND."

They blinked at Mr. Foam.

"DO YE NOT KNOW WHAT PASTOLAND IS?"

"WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT PASTOLAND IS. WHAT IS IT?" Asked Snape, sounding bored.

"PASTOLAND IS. PASTOLAND IS.. PASTOLAND IS... PASTOLAND IS... PASTOLAND IS... PASTOLAND IS... PASTOLAND IS... PASTOLAND IS... PASTOLAND IS... PASTOLAND IS... PASTOLAND IS..."

"PASTOLAND IS WHAT?"

"IT IS... MADE UP OF FOAM!"

"SO THAT EXPLANS WHY WE'RE SINKING, THEN?" Hermione asked.. obviously dying from waiting this long to ask a question.

"SINKING, YOU ARE NOT SINKING, YOU ARE BEING ABSORBED, ABSORBED INTO OUR CITY, WHERE YOU WILL BE HONORED GUESTS UNTILL WE EAT YOU AS OUTSIDERS TO OUR LAND."

They gasped.

"THAT WAS A JOKE AS YOU PEOPLE CALL THEM."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT A JOKE IS?"

"WE HAVE MET YOUR KIND BEFORE, THAT IS WHY."

"HOW? WHEN?"

"MANY, MANY YEARS IN THE LONG AND DISTANT PAST WE MET PEOPLE LIKE YOU. THEY SAVED US FROM DESTRUCTION FROM... rocks."

"ROCKS?"

"DO NOT YELL THE RETCHED NAME OF OUR ENIMIES AND DESTRUCTORS.. PLEASE NO!"

"UH, WHY MUST WE NOT SAY ROCKS?"

"STOP! STOP! YOU'LL KILL US!"

"HOW WILL SAYING ROCKS KILL YOU?"

"PLEASE NO, PLEASE, PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO DIE.. I'M ONLY FIVE BILLION YEARS OLD, SO, SO YOUNG."

"FIVE BILLION YEARS OLD AND YOUR AFRAID OF ROCKS?"

"STOP SAYING THAT EVIL, EVIL WORD, PLEASE NO MORE, PLEASE, PLEASE.. NO MORE!"

"BUT WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT SAYING ROCKS?"

"NO, NO, PLEASE STOP, STOP! I'LL DO ANYTHING, JUST STOP!"

"WILL YOU LIFT YOUR DAMEPENING FIELDS AND WARDS AND LET US BEAM HOME?"

"YES, YES, TO GET YOU AWAY FROM HERE SO YOU CAN SAY THE WORD AMONG YOURSELVES AND LEAVE US ALONE!"

With a ping, they contacted Hogwarts and beamed home.

"Well, that was odd."

"Why are you back so soon?" The Captain asked as the senior staff resumed there stations on the bridge.

"They wanted us to leave, Albus." Remus replied.

"Why?"

"Because we said, Rocks." Luna answered from her station.

The Captain looked at Ron, Harry, Remus, Neville and Snape for confirmation of what she said, and they were all nodding in agreement.. so the Captain shook his head and the mission continues..


	22. Unknowns of the Great Ball of Light

**The was/is usage is intentional. **

Part 22. Unknowns of the Great Ball of Light.

One slow, monotone of an afternoon in the hospital wing, as Lieutenant Potter scrubbed out bedpans and cleaned out the knock out or pumps you full of drugs spray, Doctor Madam Poppy Pomfrey made a truly remarkable discovery.

And not that she and Lieutenant Potter could sing opera, which both of course could not, rather she found something odd, remarkable, completely shocking and a thing that should have been discovered years before.

Ensign Longbottom has a.. Um.. Partner-in-Law?

Eh.. His child has an Uncle! Many Uncles!

And no it is not Great Uncle Adolphus..

But an Uncle on the very ship its father is serving on, that he and his child are living on...

That Neville's partner left and blew up into a ball of fire from!

Ginny Yelsaew of the Campopas is or was.. Not sure which.. Actually the long lost Weasley sister who disappeared from Redlan...

Damn, was she mutated or something? Redlan's aren't supposed to explode into balls of fire. Why did this one? Sure, they have great mental powers and all that, but to transcend the physical world and become... One with the universe?

Or.. A great being of fire in space... Or a traveler in space without a physical form?

This is fucking ridiculous! Insane! And Doctor Madam Poppy Pomfrey fainted.

Lieutenant Potter heard the crash of the Doctor falling and rushed over with a dose of wake me up spray.

"DOCTOR, DOCTOR, ARE YOU OKAY?"

"I am fine, Mister Potter. Just realized something shocking. Will you please go fetch Lieutenant Weasley and Ensign Longbottom and send them here please, and if Ensign Longbottom is with his child, please keep an eye on it until he returns."

"Yes, ma'am," Harry replied drearily, "Now I'm the messenger boy."

"Hey messenger boy, wash your hands first, you were just cleaning bed pans."

"But I've just washed my hands!"

"Well wash them again or I'll make you live in your quarters with Lieutenant's Weasley and Granger and Ensign Lovegood for a few months."

"But.. But I'd have to stop them from killing each other nearly everyday! Wait, why Luna? She gets along with all of us just fine.. Okay she annoys Hermione practically nonstop, but they don't want to kill each other."

"But after a few weeks of each other's company they would."

"But Doctor, can't you just bust me down to Ensign, rather then torment me so?" He pleaded.

"Only the Captain can do that Lieutenant."

"Rats!" He exclaimed with much emotion.

"Now, I order you to wash your hands, then go find Longbottom and Weasley."

"Yes, ma'am."

Harry found Ronald Weasley on the bridge and told the Captain, that Mister Weasley was needed in sickbay, before going off to find Neville, whom the ship told him was in his quarters, like it said Ron was on the bridge, previously.

So Harry would be spending the time until Neville returns with Neville and Ginny's child, born from Neville's womb, prior to Ginny becoming a Great Ball of Light.

Back in Sickbay:

"Now that you are both here, I have some wonderful, though much belated news." Doctor Madam Pomfrey greeted both gentleman.. Misters Weasley and Longbottom.

"Neville and I are having a baby?" Ron asked dryly.

"No, of course not. Ronald, do you remember that you once had a sister, whom disappeared or had possibly died?"

"Yeah."

"What does this have to do with me? I left my baby with that madman you call your assistant!"

"Well, you both remember Ginny Yelsaew, right?"

"Yeah, she exploded into a great ball of light," Ron replied as Neville said, "Yes, she the father of my child."

"Well, your child has an Uncle, Neville."

"I know, I have a great uncle, who would be its great-great uncle."

"No, no Mister Weasley is your child's Uncle, Ginny was is his sister."

**"YOU'RE SHITTING ME!" ** Ron exclaimed, "Damn, I made out with my sister!"

"No, Mister Weasley, I am not, and we did not need to know that!"

"Ron would you like to take a role in your," Neville was cut off.

"So when do I get to meet my niece or nephew, actually spend time with it, Neville? It'll be wonderful to spend time with a small child again, since all of my children are back in the Scalta Quadrant and growing up rapidly, I assume."

"It's your niece, Ron."

"I thought her name was Frenk, so I wasn't sure."

"It's Frankie."

"Frankly?"

"Frankie Alice Longbottom is her name, Ron, after my parents."

"Ah, no not Frankly Frank, but frankly it's Frankie Alice Longbottom."

"Yes, Ron, now I must run, Harry 'IS' watching Frankie."

And before you're scared that Harry killed Frankie or vice versa, Neville found them both happily romping around the floor of Frankie's playroom.

**AN: Hey! It only took 22 parts & Neville's baby finally has a name and a sex and we saw Madam Pomfrey! Wow, shockers there eh?**


	23. Insults All Around! Or Mostly to Ron

Sorry folks, couldn't resist.. Yes, an HBP reference... AHHHHH! Run Away, Run Away! and that was a Monty Python reference.. I love Monty Python and the Holy Grail...

23-"Insults All Around! Or mostly to Ron..."

"We're the senior staff on this starship, right?" Ron asked.

Everyone nodded.

"Well, why are we never on board?"

"We're on board right now!" Neville exclaimed.

Everyone turned to him and asked, "Are you a member of the senior staff?"

Neville looked thoughtful for a moment, before answering, "I don't know."

"What are our jobs? Why are we here and the senior staff?"

"Well, Ron," Hermione started to address him as if he were a small child, who had a slim chance of actually understanding what she was about to say, "You are the security chief."

"I know that you bloody know it all!"

"Ron, we all know your job title, I'm just rather shocked you did not, as all of us are know it All's, since we all knew you are the security chief."

"Ah, shut up, Remus. Go howl at the moon!"

Snape put a picture of the moon on screen and everyone but Remus howled at it involuntarily.

"Oh, thank you, thank you very much," Remus grumbled.

Dumbledore entered, "Ah good! I'm shocked, this has never happened in our seven years together! You all beat me here!"

"Uh, Captain, we're only been on this ship five years, no sorry, six, no wait, almost six."

"Thank you for that ah, Shit, I can't exactly place the year dialogue, Remus."

"Shut up, old man."

"I'm not that old, Ronnieboy over there is the old man!"

"But you look older then me."

"Shut up, Ron! Your older, your older, your older, deal with it!"

"I think your the one having issues Albus old boy."

"And your forgetting what your job even is, are you loosing your memory perhaps, Ron?"

"No, I'm not, it just seems that lately we're been off the ship more then on it."

Everyone but Dumbledore mumbled in agreement.. yeah that is true..

"Are you trying to kill us, Captain?"

"Mister Weasley, that's preposterous! Are you starting to become like your former Captain "Sees evil around every corner" Moody?"

"Fine then, what are our jobs?"

"You, Mister Weasley are the ship fool, Mister Potter is the fanciable one, though I don't see why, he can be rather thick and gets us in much too much trouble then he's worth."

"What!" Harry exclaimed, "I am not thick, I'm sorry, next time I won't try to use the ship as an asteroid battering ram, sorry! Geez!" Then he switched trains of thought, "Wow, you think I'm attractive? Should I be scared or pleased?"

"Figure that out yourself, Mister Potter. Miss Granger is scary, Mister Lupin is delightful when he's not growling," Albus said, as Lupin was on all fours growling at Snape.

"Mister Dobby is the ship freak, Mister Snape is Mister Snape, Luna is the ultra intelligent doppelganger of the ship."

"What, oh no, she's going to explode!" Ron tapped his combadge, "Beam Luna off the ship, Beam Luna off the ship. No! Beam me off the ship, beam me off the ship!"

"What?" Asked the Crewman manning the beamers, and he started to make the external light beam.. like the brights on old cars, extremely bright and blinding... and may just attract unwanted attention who will attack for the unwanted brightness in the black void of space.

"Don't listen to anything the Commander just said, Crewman."

"Aye, aye Captain."

"But she's going to explode!"

"I am not Ronald! The Captain was just using that to explain my dreaminess."

"Oh! I get it! Since Luna's really smart and just acts all spacey!"

"You nailed it all right there, Ron. Now I will continue!" The Captain started again.

"Mister Longbottom, Mister Longbottom, are you a member of the senior staff?"

"I don't know, Captain."

"Hmm, I don't know either, oh well.. Hmm, I really am glad we have a competent number two in security."

"But I'm competent!" Ron exclaimed and everyone, including Snape burst into fits of side splitting laughter.

"Are you implying I'm incompetent?"

And the laughter got louder.

"Well I... Then who's running security?"

"Tonks, since your always on away missions."

"And what about the rest of you guys?"

"They've got firm command on there posts. Now, what about that rumour your going out with someone one hundred and five years younger then you, just how is that going and aren't you married?"

"I'm a widower, you told me that! What does it matter who I pursue?"

"It doesn't, it's just interesting conversation. So hmm, who is it? It's not Miss Granger, perhaps?"

"HELL NO! She'd break me down to my mineral components and feed me to the engines!"

"Is that true, Miss Granger?"

"Perhaps, yes, he'd piss me off one two many times."

"Well, I guess I'm right, she is scary!" The Captain said off hand, before starting all jolly again, "So who is it, Ron?"

"I'm not telling!"

"Ah, if he's not telling, we'll all find out eventually, like with Lav-Lav."

Ron let out a girlish shriek, "That got out, NOOO!"

"Sorry, Ronald, but we all knew," Luna said, patting his arm.

Ron's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he slumped down his chair.

"Hmm," said Dumbledore, "Mister Potter?"

"I recommend a wake me up spray," and Harry pulled one out of thin air?

No his pocket and woke Ron up, whom ran away, before they all went back to there regular duties, since for once, there were no away missions on schedule. Maybe next time, Folks!

--

AN: I like this part.. Hope you guys enjoyed as well.. please Review.


	24. Chandelier Gorilla Man and U

Twenty four of the chapter de Twenty-four.. infinity de possible chapters...

"Oh NO!" Ron exclaimed after reading a screen.. "It.. It, It says I only have four dollars/marks/euros/pounds/reelans left in my bank account.. ONLY FOUR HUNDRED PENCE! AHHHH!"

"Uh, Commander?" Hermione interrupted his screaming in the mess hall. "That's your number of available replicator rations. And we kind've stopped using those types of currency a few hundred years ago."

"Huh? No, that's not true, we Redlans use Reelans."

"Lovely," Hermione replied dryly.

"Has Ronald lost his mind again?" Luna asked Hermione as she sat across from her.

Hermione stared at her, before grinning, laughing and saying an empathetic, "Yes."

"I shall help my Ronald find it!"

"You.. you do that, Luna."

"I love those two!" Harry exclaimed.

"Where did you come from?" Hermione asked him, turning to he who was sitting next to her.

"I just sat down, sheesh, give me a break, can't a guy have his second cup of too hot, too strong coffee today? I mean in an hour I'm going to be so jittery I'll be doing a jig as I man the jonn.. I mean conn. No I'm not a con man, what're you talking about, Spencer?"

"Who are you talking to?" Hermione asked him, quite confused.

"What, don't you know Spencer?"

"Who?"

"I, Lieutenant Granger," came a voice behind her.

"Oh, hi, no I've never met you.. Wow.. The people you didn't know existed on this ship that we've been on for years and have yet to actually see or meet everyone.. Damn we're isolated in our existence as senior staff, eh Harry? Mate?"

He was staring at her... "You just called me, mate.. Have you been drinking Ronald juice?"

She blinked at him. "What?"

"Didn't you know Ron brewed moonshine in his sonyicie shower?"

"No, I didn't know that.. Hmm, what else don't I know about this ship?"

"Well, you probably know everything about the ship, just not about all the people within it."

"Well, like who then. You who seem to act the expert, Mister Potter."

"Well, there's Spencer, he cleans the warp flannel folds."

"Ah, so that's who does that! I had no idea, thank you, Spencer."

"Your welcome, Lieutenant.. Now I'm off duty, I'm off to barter with Commander Weasley for some of his Ron Juice."

"Be sure to trade him some pence, Spence!" Harry called to Spencer as he was leaving.

Spencer just flipped him off as he walked out the doors, causing the mess hall's occupant's to gasp.

"Harry, is this ship real.. It's just how can we still be alive with.. With well.. Our Captain and our total lack of reason, logic and order?"

"Well.. Hmm.. You've stopped the ship from exploding at least.. Uh.. Two thousand and five hundred and fifty five times, at least!"

"Uh, you've been counting?"

"Of course, I've gotta do something in my spare time, I mean Ron's only broken his leg at least once, sometimes more then that each year, bringing it a grand total of thirteen point five times in five years.. or was it twenty-eight in seven."

"How many years have we been on this ship? Sometimes it seems like only yesterday we were lost.. Plus it seems every time we think about it the time has changed, Do you think U has been flinging us across time and space and that fun shizzle without us knowing so?"

"It's always a possibility with U, You never know when U's concerned."

"That's for sure, remember when he put the Captain in the Earth Civil War.. We're rather lucky or not that the old kook survived."

"You still have a thing for Commander Lupin?"

"What? When did I ever have a thing for Commander Lupin?"

"Wait.. Sorry, that wasn't you.. Too many people confide in me, damn. How did I go from being hated to being the secret keeper or slipper upper?"

"I have no idea, Harry, No idea what so ever."

"Thank you, thank you very much, Ms. Granger."

"Thank you for not calling me something stupid, Senor Potter."

"Senor, oh, Senorita, like what? Pookie? Sweet Pea? Darling? Herm? Though that has rather different connotations, as you well know, eh Senorita Granger?"

"Yes, Senor Potter, or shall I call you Pookie, or Sweet Pea or Honey bunch or.."

"Are you guys dating now?" Asked Cormac McClaggon hanging by his underpants from the chandelier.. Why is there a chandelier in the mess hall?

"No," they both answered loudly, empathetically, and scared that a fresh rumor would soon be swirling throughout the ship.

"Damn. Will you please get together in five months so I can win the pool?"

"WHAT?" They both screamed at him.

"Oops, I've said too much," and Cormac started to twiddle his thumbs as he hung upside down and periodically grunted like a gorilla.

"So Pookie, any ideas on whom there aren't betting pools for on this ship?" Hermione asked Harry.

"Well, Sweet Pea, I thought us but I guess I was wrong... Hmm, perhaps none on Captain Dumbledore and Commander Lupin?"

"Nope," grunted Crabbe, "I've got that one!"

"WOW!" Harry and Hermione exclaimed in unison.

"So is it true, have I won the pool at having the two of you coming out about your relationship at this time on this day?"

"Sorry to burst your bubble, Vincent, but that's just another Rumour."

"Rocks! I mean, um Rats! I thought I had that one nailed on the pin.. I mean spot on.. Uh... Oh I give up.. I should become a mime!" And Vincent Crabbe started to mime his way out of the mess hall.


	25. Let's Start Some Rivalries and maybe be

**_Part Twenty-Five!_**__

**_The Quibbler-Let's Start Some Rivalries and maybe be as politically uncorrect as we can, issue!_**

The Reporter: That kid we never heard of or saw before the movie, who delivers packages in a previous life and in this one is a random gold shirt security officer, third or fourth shift, Nigel.

**Nigel:** Commander Weasley, what is the difference between your planet and Earth?

**R.B. Weasley:** Well, Nigel, may I call you, Nigel?

**Nigel:** You may, Commander, you do call me by my name nearly everyday, you are my higher up and in charge of my area.

**R.B. Weasley:** Redlan has a high population of red hair, red hair you see is the dominant hair color, unlike Earth, where many red heads had a high protention for being inbred... And I think I'll stop there. Next question, Nigel?

**Nigel:** What is your favorite Earth food?

**R.B. Weasley:** Pumpkin pie with lots and lots of whipped cream.

(Nigel's aside: Mister Weasley got an incredible grin on his face saying this.)

**R.B. Weasley:** It's really, really delicious, if you've never tried it!

**Nigel:** It is really yummy! What's your favorite food from Redlan?

**R.B. Weasley:** Hm..

(Nigel's note: And Commander Weasley started speaking in a tongue I did not understand, so we do not know his favorite food from his home planet. Perhaps the garble of words he just said were indeed his favorite food.)

**Nigel:** Commander, do you like living among humans?

**R.B. Weasley:** I do! You humans are so ridiculous sometimes, I mean look at your history!

**Nigel:** What about it?

**R.B. Weasley:** You elect maniacs, murderers and idiots or let them seize and then wonder why it all went to shit!

**Nigel:** When was this is Earth history? We've had mostly peace the whole time I've been alive, on Earth anyways, the rest of the galaxy, that's another story!

**R.B. Weasley:** Are you kidding me! I mean the Turks had this one part of there empire split into three parts, because of the different tribes living there, the Ottoman empire falls and breaks up, the British combine those three chunks of territories into one colony, eventually that colony was given independence, then the idiot Americans swoop in and knock out another dictator, whom they probably put there in the first place! And it all goes to shit. I'm surprised it's still not all gone to hell, they've been fighting and killing eachother forever, so lets unify them! Or all the damn dictators! Why the fuck were you all so stupid, yes let's let the psycho fuck take power or worse yet, be elected! You elected Hitler, you morons! He didn't use weapons to take power he did it all democratically, you idiots!

**Nigel:** Mister Weasley, I'm English, not German, so no one in my family voted for that madman.

**R.B. Weasley:** But you didn't listen to Churchill when he warned Parliament about Hitler!

**Nigel:** Well, you certainly have a point there.

**R.B. Weasley:** You let so many dictators take power, or put them in power! A country is finally getting it's act together, maybe they made the phone companies public or something like that so, what do you do you murder or exile him and have a murdering regime for the next fifty years! Give me a break, you humans were so stupid!

**Nigel: **Well.. Yeah, I can't argue with those points, your right. When did you take Earth History?

**R.B. Weasley:** My second or third year at the academy. Nigel, mate, I need to get to my shift.

**Nigel:** Oh, sorry Commander, thanks for the interview.

**R.B. Weasley:** No problem, Nigel. Aren't you supposed to be on duty in the weapons storage room, pretty soon?

**Nigel:** I sure am, Commander!


	26. Filler and humor—and someday I’ll figur

Chapter Twenty Six. Filler and humor—(and someday I'll figure out how to spell Lieutenant!).

There is a Captain named Al... (crickets chirp).. bus. Albus, with the last name Dumbledore is the Captain of a starship called Hogwarts. Hogwarts is a diverse ship with many humans, a redlan, human's from many planets besides Earth and a few other aliens thrown in. The senior staff of the Captain Albus with the middle names Perceval Wulfric Brian, then Dumbledore.. Captain Dumbledore's Senior Staff is made up of four humans and one redlan and another alien. Although a couple did not always act like humans.. One sometimes acts like a wolf or a dog and another.. Well, really quite off in a world all her own. The Senior Staff of Albus Dumbledore and the members of the crew serving aboard his ship were from the main fleet and from a band of rebels, The Order, who were from the ship, Order, the flagship (presumably if they had had one in there existence before being almost entirely wiped out by the Carbearbarbians.) of the Order. The two crews from Hogwarts and the Order eventually settled there differences and worked together, forming a very tight knit crew (especially since they are seven billion trillion quadrillion kilolight years from home-- where ever that is-- with little to know chance of ever seeing that home in there puny earthling life times---cackles Lt. Commander Weasley), if they hadn't been thrown across the galaxy most likely the crew members of the Order plus the now former convict and former Order member and former Fleet officer, now again an officer of in the fleet under the jurisdiction of Captain Dumbledore being the highest command officer in the Scalta quadrant, Harry Potter. Those ex-Order members and Mister Potter had a 99.9999999 chance of being put in one of the many Fleet prisons had they returned home then, hell it's still a possibility, unless they save the ship a whole lot of times, oh wait they have... Now the Senior crew members of Captain Albus Percieval Wulfric Brian Dumbledore consisted of:

First Officer, Second in Command of Hogwarts, Former Fleet Lieutenant Commander, Former Order Captain, now a Fleet Commander, Commander Remus John Lupin.

Recent Academy graduate and on her very first mission! Ensign Luna Lovegood (Will she ever be promoted they've been on this ship, what five years or was it seven?), the Officer in charge of Operations.

Security Chief, Former Academy Professor, Former Officer in Charge of spying on the Order on the Order, Lieutenant Commander Ronald Bilius Weasley, a member of the species, Redlan.

Former Order Engineer and Dropout of the Acadamy, Chief Engineer, Lieutenant Hermione Jane Granger.

Former Dishonorable discharge from the Fleet, Former Order Pilot, Former Prisoner of the Fleet, Lieutenant Harry James Potter, the Chief Helmsman and Pilot on Hogwarts as well as being the medic.

The Cook, Dobby, a member of the species, House Elves.

Science Officer, Ensign Neville Longbottom, A human male whom.. somehow in the miracle of science birthed a healthy baby! Though as far as we know, Mister Longbottom is not technically a member of the Senior Staff, but sometimes he is.

There is also a Doctor Madam Pomfrey, whom likes to make jokes at the expense of her assistant, Mister Potter.


	27. ATTACK!

**Part 27--_ATTACK!_**

"We have to get him; we have to snatch that foul being who quashes our devices against them!"

"How my Queen? How must we quash this former convict?"

"We must capture him my dear Bix-ar-tell! We will destroy him and then his ship and then we will take Earth! We will kill them all!" And he "The Queen" cackled madly.

"My Queen Mort-de-Vol, they are on the viewer!" Shouted Fo-ly-Ma.

"We will avenge your son, Fo-ly-Ma; we will rip the limbs off of his body and the limbs to pieces! Ol-oh-Vod, charge the cannons!"

"SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!" Screamed Queen Mort-de-Vol as they came into range.

On Hogwarts: "What the hell!" Shouted Harry.

"Captain, we are under fire, shields are steady," Luna reported calmly.

"Who's firing on us?" Ron asked baffled by the lead balls falling off the shields.

"Hail them, Ensign Lovegood," Commander Lupin ordered as the Captain watched the metal balls bounce off the shields, laughing as they popped off.

"Captain, they are answering the hail."

"On view screen."

"Hogwarts, I am Queen Mort-de-Vol! I demand you turn Harry Potter over to me!"

The Captain looked at him oddly, before replying, "Why? You need a pilot?"

"I have an adequate pilot, We demand vengeance! Give Potter to me!" whiningly demanded the snake faced "Queen."

"Vengeance for what?" Dumbledore asked ignorantly.

"Potter killed Fo-La-Ma's Son! We DEMAND retribution!" 'The Queen' screamed before looking evilly and nodding to someone off screen, "We will bomb you into submission!"

"Is this bloke kidding?" Ron asked. "Give me a break. You don't want Potter; he'd just drive you bloody mad!"

"We want to rip him limb for limb! He killed Fo-la-Ma's Son and Bix-ar-Tell's nephew!"

"Who did I kill? When?"

"In your days training to be in Fleet, you killed my son in that accident of yours, YOU KILLED MY HEIR. He was supposed to follow us and serve Mort-de-Vol, I demand retribution. WE DEMAND TO KILL YOU!" Fo-la-Ma, a blonde haired man said with a twisted perversion and pleasure.

"That was an accident!" Harry exclaimed.

"We don't care!" Mort-de-Vol replied coldly, his voice sending chills down any who's heard its spine.. unless you're an invertebrate.

"Queen?" Dumbledore looked confused, because the snake looking thing was obviously a man, "Mort-de-Vol, we will not turn over our crewman to you!"

"Then you will all die from my laser!" A green laser beam shot from Mort-de-Vol's ship and didn't even cause the shields to even ripple.

"Ol-oh-Vod, MORE POWER!"

"We have no more!" they heard before the screen reverted to space and a picture of the ship before them, which exploded!

"Mister Weasley, did you fire?" The Captain asked.

"No sir."

"They destroyed themselves, obviously there ship could not handle all that power going to there weapons," Harry pointed out logically and he set a course to continue there journey.

"That was Rus-of-Sever's Queen?" Ron asked.

"Yes Ronald."

"Wow, he sure is lucky he escaped or he'd be toast or barbeque right now, food.. I'm going to the mess hall." And Ron got to the turbolift to leave the bridge to the next officer on shift at security, when Severus came flying in screaming, "I'M NOT RUS OF SEVER, I'M SEVERUS, SEVERUS, MY NAME IS SEVERUS."

"Whatever Rus of Sever," and Ron got on the turbolift and was whisked away to the deck containing the mess hall.

_Note: Queen Voldemort, in reference to a Queen Bee or the Borg Queen, of his hive, with his deatheaters being the drones of his collective. Please Review. _


	28. Stranded

_I'd give this a high rating for swearing._

_It has been 9 chapters since a review.. if your still interested in this please drop me a line, even if it's good job, or lol. _

_and here we are back on an away mission, after that 6 parts on board ship. _

**Starship Hogwarts. **_**Part 28.. **_**STRANDED**

"Commander Weasley, I'm sending you in charge of the away mission to Planet Zeta, while we go to the space station."

"Ah man!" Ron exclaimed before agreeing, "Alright sir, would you like me to pick a team?"

"No, no Lieutenants Granger and Potter will be going with you."

"Okay, sir."

"The storms seem to be too heavy to transport through so you will be taking a shuttle-pod-ship-fly-craft."

"When do we leave, sir?"

"0800 tomorrow morning."

"I'll inform Potter and Granger."

"You do that," and the Captain returned to his rubix cube.

-----

At 0830, the shuttle-pod-ship-flyer-craft hit turbulence on its descent that was too great for the awesome Pilot Potter to overcome, so Commander Weasley and the two Lieutenant's under his command beamed onto the shuttle-pod-ship-flyer-craft and parachuted off of it to the ground, with emergency supplies as there shuttle exploded and they barely missed the aftershock.

"Oh bloody brilliant flying, Potter! You almost killed us and Granger, you call yourself an engineer! Couldn't you've rerouted power to dampeners? Your both bloody idiots!"

"Weasley," Hermione said in a deadly voice, "I rerouted all systems possible except life support, what did you do?"

"That's not my job, Granger."

"Not your job!" Harry exclaimed, "Your the Fucking Commander of this mission and you do NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH, ZERO to do anything up there, you just sat on your bloody arse and watched us do our jobs as best as we could under the circumstances!"

"If you say so, Lieutenant."

"I do." Harry retorted.

"Your lucky it's early, lets see, any idea how far we are from the planned coordinates?"

Ron's companions glared at him.

"I'll take that as a no." And they started hiking.

Eventually they found a suitable campsite, near water, phasered a few rocks for heat to sit around and eat there ration packs.

"Since we all hate each other today, who on Hogwarts hates you the most, Potter, Granger?" Ron asked.

"Is that an order?" Harry asked.

"No, just something to pass the time."

"Oh, alright.. I would say Lieutenant Chang hates me the most."

"Why?"

"I accidentally killed her fiancée in that accident of mine."

"Did you really?" They both asked shocked.

"Yes, and then she wanted to date me as a well, rather a Cedric replacement.. that of course went horribly, lets just say she is the equivalent of a human hosepipe and I stared at the light fixtures a lot."

"Wow, Potter, you really are an arse, not trying to comfort her!" Hermione exclaimed.

"I did, but it led to more crying, I still feel bad about it."

"I can sure see why, how many people did you kill?" Ron asked, "Chang's fiancée, that Voldemort Collective member's son and who else?"

"Yeah, that's two, Cedric Amos Diggory and Draco Cygnus Lucius Black Malfoy and Charles John Weldon, Rodger Alexander Stanmore, Franz Jozef Palmer, Anne Marie Angelita Martinez, Jean-Marc Vicente Valias, Robert Nicolas Wickland, Louisa Marie Limon, Ulf Olaf Simonson, Bradley Robert Viscus, Nell Audrey Manaut, Joseph Michael Vicard, Alfonso Benito Strit, Ming Rachel Hu, Evan James Aptra, Hans Josef Han, Jacob Samuel Lozone, Sal Isaac Menueie and Shawn William O'Connor."

"Wow! You, you know all of there names.. Whole names?" Hermione asked.

"Yes," He answered sadly.

"Harry, you certainly have the worst luck, the person whom I'd say hates me the most would be your enemies best friend, Lieutenant Edgecombe, she blames me for the spots on her face! If she had been following orders and the instructions I gave her that would have never happened, the stupid bitch!"

"It's probably worse that you see her everyday, being in the same department."

"Oh yes, very much so, Harry. Commander Weasley, who is your biggest enemy on Hogwarts?"

"Hm... At the moment I would say the both of you, but hm.. Lavender Brown, I would say after the break up of our relationship, ah Lav Lav does seem to be taking it well though moving on and seemingly quite happy with her new beau. Though I do not see why she'd hate me. She is in fact the one who broke it off."

"YOU?" Harry and Hermione exclaimed.

"Your WON WON?"

"Indeed, I was."

"You do know that we all knew about Won Won and Lav Lav but had no idea who they were?"

"Yes I do."

"Why let it slip now?"

"Lavender and I have both moved on, there are no problems with revealing this, it ended almost a year ago!"

"Ah."

"Who are your favorite people on Hogwarts?" Commander Won Won, Harry?"

"I'll start this one," Won Won said.

"Luna is my favorite person, why I dare not mention. Albus is another crewman I'd say is a great friend of mine on Hogwarts."

"Luna is my best friend on Hogwarts." Harry stated, "She wasn't frightened or scared of my past from the beginning, nor angry at me for supposedly betraying her, like you Hermione. Though you as of the past few years I consider one of my closest friends."

"Thank you, Harry, you are one of my closest friends as well, along with Lupin, my former comrade in arms."

"Ah, the days with the Order," Ron said sardonically, as the other two looked almost wistful.

"Spy!" Hermione exclaimed with a hint of malice, "Though the Captain going after you is why we're all together."

"Remember building the hospital on that planet in the roughlands?" Harry asked her fondly.

"I do. You tried to drown me!"

"I did not!"

"Yes you did!"

"Well, if I did as you say, I certainly didn't meant to!"

"What are you both talking about?"

"Won Won , do you remember the base on the planet Surrey?"

"Yeah."

"Harry and I built the buildings there."

"Really!"

"Yes."

"And we did it in ten days, the Order left us with supplies and we got to work."

"We were quite the efficient team, weren't we?" She asked Harry with a smile.

"We sure were," He smiled back, and Ron grinned at both of them.

"What?" They asked in unison.

"Nothing, just seems like you had some great times in the Order," and Ron kept grinning at them, with a secret glint in his eyes.

Finally they succumbed to his grinning and returned it and the three officers sunk into glorious laughter.

"So who named that planet?" Ron inquired, when there fits ended.

"Harry did, he found it."

"Surrey?" Ron directed his question at Harry.

"A place I lived for a time as a child, wasn't the best time, but not the worst either, the last place I really saw my parents. My Aunt, Hideous Uncle and Cousin still live there or I assume they still do."

"I take it you don't like those relatives of yours too much?" Ron asked.   
"No not much, sure they let me live with them while my parents were away on assignments, but my cousin made my life hell."

"How so?"

"Well.. hmm, what's a decent way to say this? Ah, I was his human punching bag."

"What does this git of a cousin of yours do now?"

"He was a boxer last time I was on Earth."

"Ah, does he commend you after victorious matches?" Ron joked.

Harry looked at him, with a mixture of disdain, sadness and the least bit of humour, "No, I'd assume not. Sirius would probably sue them for letting there son beat on there charge."

"Admiral Black?" Ron asked.  
"Yeah."

"What's the biggest shock you have ever experienced?" Hermione asked her fellow stranded away team members.

"In voltage?" Harry joked, and Hermione shook her head grinning at him.

"Mine would be the Captain giving me this commission, I never thought I'd be in 'Fleet again, Ron, Hermione?"

"I agree there, Harry, I never expected this after dropping out of 'Fleet Academy."

"The shock of my life," Ron started, "Would be Doctor Madam Pomfrey telling me that Ginny Yelsaew was my sister."

"That is insane," Harry said, "I'm glad you didn't know that when I was dating her or broke up with her or you'd have phasered my ass, I'd bet."

"You bet I would have!"

"And poor Neville would be dead right now?" Hermione asked.

"I couldn't do that to the poor fellow, he had no idea. There daughter is brilliant though, I love spending time with my niece," Ron smiled at the thought of Neville's daughter.

"How did Yelsaew and Longbottom have a baby and a.. Neville actually birth a baby?" Hermione asked the question that had been plaguing her since prior to that little girl's birth, when the crew learned that Neville Longbottom, a human male was pregnant.

"Oh that's a simple answer Hermione, Redlan males or females can birth there children. I myself had six of my children during my fifty year sabbatical."

"How does that work?" She asked.

"Well when a male and female want to," Ron was cut off.

"NO NOT THAT, I know perfectly well how that is done, yikes! Your older then my grandparents and saying these things, that's scary!"

"You have grandparents?" Harry asked before he started sobbing.

"Did he bump his head in that tumble he took with the parachute into the tree?"

"Shut up, Ron, Family is a sensitive subject for Harry."

"Why?"

"Because he doesn't have much left that actually are good to him."

"Oh, sorry Harry."

And Harry cried on Hermione's shoulder.

"How do you physically have children?" Hermione inquired of the Redlan.

"Like a female, I carry my child for six months... hmm.. how does it work with Redlan and Human's I am unsure.. Redlan's carry there children for six months. I birth it when it is ready to come out of the womb."

"But how? What does it come out of?"

"Oh, that's your problem, I see. Well we Redlans would be considered similar to Hermaphrodites on Earth with our parts, though our dominant organs are at forefront and in the act use the dormant part, but sometimes my Meeleelea would carry the child and sometimes I."

"I'm still rather lost, but um thanks Ron."

"Not a problem, Lieutenant. Will you both keep my confidence?"

"What?" They both asked, Harry had finally relaxed, his head laying on his friend's shoulder.

"Will you both keep something to yourselves until I speak to the Captain and Doctor?"

"What's that?"

"I am carrying Luna and my child!" Ron glowed.

They both stared at him, before Harry asked, "Does she know?"

"Yes," Ron smiled beatifically, "She is as overjoyed as I am."

"Well I'm glad your both happy," Hermione told him.

"Wow, I hadn't known you were so serious about one another!" Harry exclaimed.

"We are, I love her very much," Ron replied.

"I'm glad," Harry said.

"Harry, would you consent to my asking Luna to marry me?"

"You can do whatever you want Ron."

"I am asking you because you are the closest person to being her family member on Hogwarts, you her best friend. Do I have your consent to marry Luna?"

"Yes Ron, I'm sure she'll be ecstatic when you ask her."

"Oh Thank you, thank you!" And Ron grabbed Harry and kissed him.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Thanks Ron," Harry said confused.

"I'm sorry, but the hormones and I'm so happy you are letting me marry your best friend."

"Okay."

"This certainly explains your anger earlier," Hermione said.

Ron nodded.

"Why did you consent to coming on this mission?"

"It is my duty."

"But what if something horrible happened?"

"I have much too much esteem for both of you to believe you would do anything purposefully to harm myself or each other."


	29. Rescue Yourself

Part 29-Rescue Yourself..

Time: Three Days since the end of Stranded.

"Ron, you have twelve children with your deceased wife, right?"

"Yes, Hermione, I do."

"What are there names?"

"Alright, well the eldest daughter is Leemelea Meleelea, followed by three sons, Ronartiam Monartiam, then Boniliafias Ronald, and Credeogias Arthur, then come my daughters, Moeeinea Molly, Peenaliamea Meleagronaea, Aeoimeoeh Jokarkowinea, and Yoleemeah Kathleen. Then my sons Hordialliamas William, Nrekerceias Charles and Quinariagaroniam Reonedegitinganias and last my daughter Zeeleemineaeh Vuseniagariaeh."

"Damn it must have been fun disciplining your kids!"

"It is never fun disciplining your children, Mister Potter, you will discover this when you have your own."

"If, Ron if."

"Do you honestly believe you will never find love, Harry?"

"The last person I loved I killed her, I killed my fiancée, oh Nell, I'm sorry!"

"Your fiancée was one of those who died in the accident?" Hermione asked shocked.

"Yes."

"Harry, I believe you will find someone to love and to love in return, you will sooner or later, sooner I would believe as opposed to later."

"What is your foul sister going to come back and convince me its her and I?"

"I very much hope not!" Ron exclaimed. "But you will find it, one day, I hope sooner then later."

"If you say so."

"You my dear Harry deserve some happiness after these long years with your facade. Your facade seems to have fallen in our state of being stranded, why is that? Is it because you have no place to hole up and reboot for the world to put forward your good humour, and contentedness?"

Harry stared at the usually moronic security chief, before he answered, "Yes, your absolutely right. Being, being here with constant companions is taxing on my nerves, patience and outlook."

"Well, have we kept you alright?"

"Pretty much, except for my breakdowns of course, at least I haven't had any night terrors," He smiled slightly at Hermione.

"Uh, Harry, Hermione!" Ron screamed in terror, looking at something behind them. "RUN! RUN AWAY!"

"I've got you now, Harry Potter!" Cackled an evil voice, Harry and Hermione stood huddled in front of Ron at the other side of the clearing.

"Not you again!" Harry exclaimed. "What is your problem?"

"You."

"Why?"

"It's time to die, Harry Potter!" And Queen Voldemort pulled out a long twisted knife, before being promptly crushed by a giant Beardamelas tree, which fell on him with a sickening crunch.

"Hey that looks rather like a redwood," Hermione commented about the tree.

"Red?" Ron asked. "It's blue."

"A Redwood is a kind of tree on Earth, Ron, not the color of this tree."

"Oh, alright. Are they really huge like this one?"

"Yeah."

The Three members of Hogwarts Senior Staff sat once more around there heated stones.

"Ron, any idea what you'll name your baby?" Harry asked, obviously diverting the conversation away from the pre-Voldemort topic.

"No Harry, Luna and I haven't discussed that yet."

"Do you think you'll go for a human or Redlan name?"

"I have rather exhausted the fine names of Redlan, I would say. Personally, I would prefer a unique or interesting name as opposed to something common like Meleelea or Credeogias, though my third son's name was not so common at the time of his birth as it was, well seven years ago now."

"If Luna accepts your proposal, will you be married before or after your child's birth?"

"If she accepts I am open to marriage anytime that my Luna wishes," Ron smiled dreamily. "Or if she prefers to not be married, that would be fine as well."

"Damn Ron, I don't think I've ever seen or heard, for that matter about you being this agreeable!" Hermione exclaimed.

"I agree there, must be Luna's influence," Harry replied to her.

"No, no, I get this way when I'm pregnant I should know. I have had six children."

"Did you have children when you were at the academy?"

"No, I didn't marry my Meleelea till weeks after graduation and prior to my first mission, yes we conceived Leemelea then."

"Okay, um how many years were you and Meleelea married?"

"Eighty six years. She died in our third year on this mission back to our own sectors, which may take the rest of our lives."

"Thanks for being Mister Doom and Gloom, Ron, I thought that was Harry's job."

"I thought my job was to pilot and navigate the ship."

Ron and Hermione cracked up.

"What? What did I say?"

"Did you hear what Hermione said?"

"Something about Ron taking my job, which he hasn't."

"She said you were Mister Doom and Gloom."

"Nope, that's not me, that's Rus of Sever."

"Oh yeah, that is true."

"Or the Captain telling us we're going to die all the time. Hey, I'm only gloomy when it comes to me."

"Hm, he's rather right. Harry is pretty upbeat for most things, most of the time. Though you have to admit, you do have your moments."

"Oh, I certainly won't deny that," Harry grinned, "At least I didn't scream 'We're all going to die' in that space chasm, eh hem, Ron."

Ron grinned sheepishly, "Well, what'd you expect, we were rocking as if we were the baby falling out of the tree top."

Harry and Hermione laughed.

"Why was the baby in a tree?"

Harry and Hermione looked at Ron and each other with puzzled expressions, "I don't know Ron," Hermione answered, as Harry said, "I wonder if anyone else has ever asked that before."

"Maybe we should ask Jeeves."

"Then we'd get a bazillion pages on baby names and trees!" Harry exclaimed and Ron stared at both asking, "Who?"

"Stupid 20th and 21st centuary internet tools."

"Okay, why are you talking about in here in the eh, forty-third Century?"

"I don't know, I think between Harry and myself, we've taken a tad too many earth history classes."

"Yeah, maybe just a bit. Why did you take yours?" Harry asked Hermione.

"I needed the credits, you?"

"I found it really neat."

"I found it awfully interesting, well, when the Professor was fantastic. The one I had for the 30th Centaury though, he was so boring!"

"Mine was too, was Professor Binn's still teaching when you guys went?" Ron asked.

"Yeah!" They both exclaimed.

"I had him as well, I don't think I was awake any days but the first, the exam reviews and the exams," Ron told them.

"Yeah, I made a point of paying close attention in all of my classes, but his, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Wait, you had him, Ron!"

"Sure did."

"Damn, how old was he?"

"Had to have been about thirty when I had him," Ron told them.

"Wow! I was never awake in there either. One day Sirius sat in and I was trying my mightiest to stay awake, wishing I would have had the pot of coffee the girl in the front row had."

"We were in the same class, Harry, that was me! I had an exam later that day and was trying to stay awake through Binn's droning. I didn't if it's any help."

"No, Sirius chewed me out royally though. I still wonder how he stayed awake.."

"We should ask Remus, he would know."

"That's true. He would."

"I remember serving under your mother, Harry, my first assignment on ship after returning to 'Fleet, she was brilliant, top notch engineer before she became a command officer. If I remember correctly she was on the team that designed the current engines, while she was on Earth to have you."

"I knew that. Mum and Dad's glorious careers have been shoved into my face anytime I screwed up or put a toe out of line. I had been fascinated by them, until then. Rather ruined my dreams."

"Your Mum's theories and design's were the basis of the first year of engineering classes."

"How did you know you wanted to be an engineer?" Ron asked her.

"Hmm, I guess I enjoyed tinkering with parts and," she lowered her head sheepishly, "I used to build miniature ships out of scraps I got from the waste centers, I even built a few that could fly. I loved when I built an engine that worked, I knew that's what I wanted to do."

"What about you, Harry?"

"I knew the first time I flew. I was five or six and Dad let me take the controls, it was the greatest feeling in the world! How about you, Ron, you've gotten our answers."

"I was in my late twenties, when I decided since Redlan's age slower, I took the exams and got in. I really enjoy the tactics and planning of my post, so that is why I picked security. You may have heard I'm quite the chess player."

"We have."

"You've beaten every crew member you've played."

"Am I really known for that?"

"Well, you used to be called Lieutenant Chess and now your Commander Chess."

"Am I really?" Ron laughed. "I think I may be in need of a new hobby."

"Breastfeeding?" Hermione suggested, before rolling on the ground in uncontrollable laughter.

"No, no, we don't work that way. We Redlan's chew and regurgitate our young's food."

"Like birds?" Harry sputtered, before doing his own impression of the rolling around in laughter, Hermione.

After they both recovered, Harry asked, "Does Luna know that?"

"I don't know."

"Knowing Luna she'll probably smile and shrug," Hermione laughed, snorting, which prompted Harry to break into more giggles and Ron to start.

Upon there recovery, Hermione asked, "How did Queen Voldemort get on this planet?"

"That's an excellent question!"

"Think he's got a ship?" Ron asked bluntly.

"Shall we find out, Commander?" Hermione asked Ron the superior officer.

"Hell yes!"

"You'd like to get out of here, then?" Harry asked grinning.

"Yes, sleeping on rocks is killing my back!"

A mile downstream, more or less they ran into, literally, Harry smacked right into it! Queen Voldemort's flying saucer and cup, yes a tea cup and saucer, seriously! The three officers boarded the tea cup and quickly figured out the controls and flew home to Hogwarts.

Hogwarts had no idea of the perils that had befallen there security chief, engineer and pilot, thus were quite shocked when Lieutenant Commander Weasley hailed them from the tea cup. The tea cup was given permission to dock and Harry stirred them in smoothly, before they were whisked away to the hospital wing, to see how they were and to find out what happened to them. The Captain was especially interested in the tea cup. During the medical examinations, Doctor Madam Pomfrey exclaimed, "Commander Weasley, did you know that you are with child?"

The Captain and Commander stared at him, jaws dropping. "I'm two months along, right?"

"You are."

"With three months to go right?"

"No, Mister Weasley, five more."

"Five!"

"Yes, the eh hem, Mother of your child is human correct?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Because of the differences in species the carrying time is different."

"Oh, alright."

"When can we find out the sex?"

"In a few months, Mister Weasley, I'll need to reconfigure a few instruments to your physiology as well."

"Oh, okay, understandable."

"Have you had children before, Mister Weasley?"

"My late Meleelea and I have twelve children, she carried six and I carried six."   
"You've done this before then?"

"Yes, I have," Ron smiled proudly.

"Has your partner?"

"No, Madam Doctor."

"Well, Mister Weasley, Miss Granger, your all free to go, though if your triangles start getting worse, Mister Potter, you come and see me."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Triangles?" The Captain asked the good Doctor.

"Mister Potter has broken out from something on the planet, don't worry, it's just an allergic reaction."

Please Review.


	30. Spontaneous

**Part Thirty-Spontaneous.**

Ron's rooms; A day or so after the return. Luna and Ron are lazing about on there off shift, Luna reading a novel on an electronic book and Ron gazing out at the stars zooming past. "Luna, will you marry me?" He asked out of the blue.

"When?" She simply replied.

"When do you want to?" He asked her, "Well, if when is a yes."

"Now?" She asked him.

"I think we could, well if Albus isn't busy."

"We need to get Remus then."

"Hermione."

"And Harry." they said in unison, before Ron continued, "Did you know, Harry sent me in this direction?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. Oh, we need Neville and my niece as well."

"Shall we go then?"

"Should we beep them or go find them?"

"We should see the Captain first, my love."

"Brilliant idea, you always know how we should proceed, always quicker then I in the head."

Luna just laughed at him as they headed out the door to the Captain's Quarters.

On arriving at the Captain's door, Ron rang the chime. "Come in," called Captain Albus cheerily. The security chief and the opps officer entered.

"Ronald, Luna, what can I do for you?"

"Will you marry us, Captain?" Ron asked bluntly.

"Now?"

"If you will."

"Is there anyone you would like at your ceremony?"

"Yes sir."

"Well buzz them, buzz them! Oh! Is there any place in particular you would like to be married, on ship or in a holo-projection room?"

"Hm, the forests of Redlan?" Ron suggested.

"The forests of Sweden? Where my beloved Snorkacks are!"

"How about a deciduous forest, would that satisfy you both?"

"Deci? Yes," Ron started, then answered.

"Shall we page Crewman Colin Creevey to photograph for you? He does love to take snapshots and is quite good."

"Yes, lets call Colin!"

"And who else did you want?"

"Remus, Harry, Hermione, Neville, and Ron's niece."

"Is that all?" the Captain asked.

"Yes, a small affair, it will be."

"Well, shall we page them? Wait, Mother Computer, is either holo-projection room open?"

"Room Number Two is Free."

"Thank you, Mother Computer."

"Lovegood to Lupin," Luna called, tapping her badge."

"Um uh, Luna, what's up?"

"Will you join me in holo-projection room two?"

"When?"

"Now sir."

"Why?"

"For my marriage."

"Oh, alright. I'll be right there."

Ron paged Neville, at the same time, whom said he would be there as soon as he got Frankie awake and dressed, which Ron said, No bring her in her pajamas, its fine. Then they both paged Hermione and Harry.

"Hello," they echoed through each others combadges out of breath.

"Harry."

Hermione."

"Are you in the same place" Ron and Luna asked in unison.

"Yeah, holo-projection room one."

"What are you doing?"

"Playing ping pong."

"Ping pong?"

"Yeah," Harry answered, "We're ruddy horrible, its hilarious."

"Speak for yourself Mister I can't keep the ball on the table," They heard Hermione in the background.

"What'd you want Ron, Luna?" Hermione piped in.

"Will you meet us in Holo-projection Room 2?"

"Why?"

"Luna and I are to be married."

"Oh, should we get changed first?"

"No, no come as you are."

"If your sure," Hermione laughed at Harry's hair sticking up everywhere.

Ten minutes later they were all assembled in a deciduous forest clearing in summer, the computer projecting clothes fit for a wedding upon each individual attending, though everyone except the bride, groom and Captain's hair was extremely disheveled or drenched in sweat.

The marriage was swift, with the bride and groom pledging each other to there loves and then the I do's and it was over, as is Redlan custom to not make a wedding ceremony last more then thirty minutes as opposed to the hours upon hours of a human ceremony.

"How long were you playing ping-pong?" Luna asked Harry and Hermione after the ceremony.

"Three hours just about," Harry answered. Hermione nodding as well.

"And you weren't bored?" Ron asked shocked.

"Why should we be bored?"

"Because ping pong!"

"What about ping pong?" Hermione asked.

"Well, isn't it rather boring hitting a tiny white ball over a little net with paddles over and over again, its quite repetitive!" Ron exclaimed.

"Well at three am repetition is good. When your brain is half shut down especially," Harry said blinking and rubbing his eyes.

Harry and Hermione were the first to follow Ron and Luna out of the holo-projection room and into the hall. Ron and Luna are now dressed in sweats in Ron's case and jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt in Luna's, Harry and Hermione in tennis outfits, both clad in shorts, Hermione a tank top, Harry a t-shirt. Captain Dumbledore is wearing a nightgown, fuzzy bunny slippers and a bathrobe. Commander Lupin is wearing his uniform top and flannel pajama bottoms. Neville is wearing pajamas, his daughter pajamas with feet. Colin Creevey is wearing his uniform pants and a striped long sleeve shirt.

"Harry, Hermione, do you do anything else besides ping pong on your late nights?" Remus asked grinning.

"Sometimes martial arts programs."

"Or ship designing."

"We experimented with colors and patterns besides solid grays for crew quarters once."

"Yeah, that was in our What other ways could quarters be laid out phase."

"You, you had a phase of that?" Albus laughed loudly.

"You have had some interesting phases yourself, Albus, remember on the Transfiguration how you went through that sock phase? I think you knitted the entire crew at least one pair of think woolen black socks," Ron told them all. "The Captain even knitted a pair each for my nine eldest children and then Hordialliamas, Nrekerceias and Quinariagaroniam, he gave Meleelea and I blankets for each as they were born. They loved those growing up and have passed them or will pass them onto their own children."

"Yes, knitting is my hobby, Luna and Ronald will most definitely receive a blanket for their child!" The Captain exclaimed.

_Please Review.. this may be it till late August.. so please Review.. _


	31. Reception

Part Thirty One-Reception.

At the reception in the mess hall catered by shudder at times, Dobby and Ah the computer.

"Are you any good at ping pong?" Dumbledore asked Harry and Hermione.

"We're alright."

"Would probably be better if we were more awake.

"Or turned on the light?" Luna asked, which drew stares to herself and to Harry and Hermione.

Luna certainly draws attention to things, maybe her comment will create another betting pool or perhaps a ping pong tournament, or perhaps a betting pool on a ping pong tournament.

"Well, you do not have to play with the light on if the ball, netting and lines on the table are glow in the dark, I suppose," Remus pointed out, Tonks drooling in sleep on his shoulder, where he sat by the bride and groom, Captain, Pilot and Engineer.

"You must really be wearing Lieutenant Tonks out in security, Ron," commented Harry.

"Yes, she is a fine young woman. I'm glad she and Commander Lupin are so very happy together."

"We're glad as well, Commander," Tonks replied sitting up and wiping off Lupin's shirt as well as her mouth. Tonks yawned, "Why is this at such a late hour, anyway?"

"Spur of the moment," Ron smiled.

"And you couldn't have this in the morning?"

"'Fraid not, have to work in the morning."

"And the rest of us don't?"

"No, you do have to as well. We all have to."

"Ron, I've been meaning to ask you this."

"Ask me what, Colin?"

"How is Neville's daughter your niece?"

Ah, well, it turns out her mother was my long lost sister."

"How do you know for sure?"

"DNA tests."

"Well, hmm, does anyone know how Ginny got from our quadrant of space to this one?"

"I can answer that Creepy Creevey Colin!" Dobby exclaimed from behind his cauldron.

Everyone was rather interested, as they all knew how they got here, but not really how Ginny did; Thinking she was just some alien, not a member of one of the founding species of the Fleets governing council. "Well, hmm, how shall I begin, well. I suppose at the beginning!" Dobby exclaimed. "The being, the Faretaker, whom brought your twos crews took Ginny by accident from Redlan all those years ago. He told me he did not mean to take her and was aiming to take some grown woman with a name I couldn't ever pronounce, but he got Ginny instead. As she was a toddler, he could not do much with her so he sent her to the Campers to be raised by them. The Campers live on a once lush planet which the Faretakers accidentally switched to desert. The Klaxons live on the surface while the Campers live beneath the ground as ordered by the Faretakers after there fatal disastrous experiment with the Campers planet's ecosystem. Ginny was too much for the Campers and besides her curiosity in the beyond led her to leave the Camper compound. She was enslaved by the Klaxons, whom found her on the surface. I first met her years after, she was oh twenty or so I guessed. I tried to help her as much as I could. I tried bartering with the Klaxons for her, but I had nothing they really wanted besides my ship. I could not part with that! You know how she was rescued you were there, that is all I can tell, that is all I know."

"Thanks for telling us what you know, Dobby."

"Yous are very welcome, Commander."

_Please Review. _


	32. Dreaming on the High Seas

Chapter 32-Dreaming on the High Seas.

"Capitan we're under fire!" Luna shouted.

"Well, what do you want me to do about it, you're a gunner not me!" Dumbledore replied.

"Can we fire back then Captain?" Ron demanded an answer.

"Yes, yes. Hey you, quit swabbing the deck, man a cannon!"

"Me sir?" Neville asked.

"Yes you, now, hop to it!"

"ALL HANDS ON DECK!" shouted Lupin.

"Got 'em!" Ron exclaimed.

As both ships fired cannon balls at each other, an ugly bald man shouted at the crew of the ship Hogwarts.

"I want Potter!"

"Why'd you want that annoying bastard?" shouted Ron, shooting down one of there attackers with his pistol.

"I WANT POTTER!"

"Who're you, attacking my crew and demanding a crewmember?" Dumbledore mumbled to himself, taking shots at the opposing ships.

Harry decided, that from his lovely height in the lookout box, he has a perfect chance to take out the opposing ships Commander, and promptly pulled out his pistol and took a few pot shots at the ugly, angry, screaming man. Harry had no idea what the man was screaming, albeit he figured it was annoying, and after a few near hits, got him in the ear, prompting the scaly man to drop dead.

"YOU KILLED VOLDEMORT!" Screamed a blonde banshee of a man, at the Captain of the Hogwarts.

"Okay, well, shell we kill you all now, or wait.. you're sinking, toodles," Dumbledore waved as the Hogwarts sailed away with the just picking up wind.

"POTTER!" Exclaimed Dumbledore. Harry, looking out for other ships did not hear him.

"Granger, go get Potter, and take his place on the lookout."

"Aye, aye Sir."

"Hey Granger, my shifts not over yet."

"I know, the Captain wants to know why the Captain of that ship wanted you."

"Oh, no idea, I just thought he was annoying all o yous so I shot 'em."

"Well, good job, cause he wanted you presumably dead."

"Ah, well, I'll go down and be seeing what el Capitan wants."

"Potter, why does, well did that Voldemort want you dead?" Harry was asked upon arriving back on deck.

"I have no idea, Captain."

"None? None at all?"

"Not a clue, Captain. Maybe he had the wrong man?"

"Fat chance, Potter! I'd bet half the men at sea want you dead for being annoying!" Ron jibed Harry.

Harry laughed, "At least I got him after the third shot!"

"You're the one who shot 'em?" First Mate Lupin asked.

"Sure am, only took me three shots from up there," Harry said waving up towards the lookout. "Can I get back to my post, Captain?"

"Yes, yes, enjoy the company, watch for ships and icebergs, we don't want to crash into any of those."

"Captain, we're in the Mediterranean, not much chance of any icebergs here!"

"So, still keep a good watch, Potter."

"Yes, sir," and Harry scrambled back up the ropes to keep a lookout.

"Harry, Harry, Harry, wake up Harry."

"Hmm, what'd you want?"

"Get up."

"Why?"

"We were supposed to have breakfast before our shifts start is why."

"Just go back to sleep and then we can go to our shifts."

"Wake up Harry," she demanded with authority.

"But I don't want to."

"Good dream?"

"Dream?"

"Yeah, I heard you say, el capitan."

"Oh, yeah, good dream."

"What was it about?"

"We were on a ship at sea."

"Both of us?"

"Uh huh, and the crew here to.. well the Captain and Ron and Luna and Neville and Lupin.. and others… no use mentioning everyone."

"Good dream then?"

"Uh huh.. that guy who wants to kill me was in it. I shot him."

"You shot that deranged lunatic with a firearm?"

"Yeah."

"You going to get up now?"

"I guess, since you so insist on it."

"Thank you."

Harry threw his blankets off.

"Nice underwear."

"Hey! There shorts."

"Alright, alright."

"Do I have time for a shower?"

"No, I let you finish your dream! Get dressed so we can have breakfast."   
"What has Dobby got to tempt us with today?"

"I've no idea."

"Urgh oww mmm." Harry replied brushing his teeth.

"Just lovely Harry."

Harry spit out the toothpaste and rinsed his mouth, pulled on his uniform pants and shirts.

"Your not bashful at all are you?"

"Hermione, I wasn't naked, no reason to be."

"Okay, okay."

"So does this mean if I wake you up I get to watch you get dressed if you're in as much?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Potter."

"Fine, fine, ready for Dobby's concoction of the morning?"

"Boy am I!"

Please Review.. I apologize for the long absence.. expect another dream sequence next time as well.. Time for my evening coffee and to hit the books (2 exams this week & I haven't read the chapters yet.. ouch.. blame the post office, the bank, and the 3rd World (a class not the actual 3rd World) lol!


	33. Bikini Horrors

Chapter 33-Bikini Horrors

Here we open, with Harry Potter laying on the sandy beach of a tropical paradise, dreaming. Harry stands up and stretches looking out over the beautiful clear blue waters of a sea, thinking what a wonderful day this is, sure beats the purple and green bulkheads of the Hogwarts halls. Not once did Harry wonder why he was here, rather then the norm of waking up to the computer telling him to get up, your shift starts in ONE HOUR.. or TWO, or whichever hour Harry specified before going to sleep, or the off chance of him forgetting and the computer reminding him that he has a duty shift in 15 minutes, or a fellow crewmember awaking him.

Harry Potter turned around to survey the rest of his surroundings.. turning to face…

DUN DUN DUN

A large crowd of woman clad all in bikinis, by the looks of it, including every woman he has ever met in his adult life.. Perhaps starting in his teenage years rather. Scary sights like his dreaded Physics Professor from the fleet academy, Professor McGonagall, rank: Commander… Ginny Yelsaew, who the sight of caused Harry to shudder violently, yes there two dates impacted Harry that strongly, poor fellow! He saw his first girlfriend at the academy, Lucy Pelusion… his second, Debra Knoorob… his third, Chelsea Okecessar… his fourth, Pamela Colellernem… his fifth, Shelby Walighect… and his sixth, the infamous Nell, his first true love (now does this mean he has, or has had, or will have a second love? Hmm, now that is a good question that even I the omniscient narrator does not know.. or knows and desires not to tell), burned and blackened from the explosion of her shuttlecraft, caused by her lover.

"Nell!" Harry gasped, bursting into tears, "Oh Nell, I'm so sorry that I made that mistake.. I'm so, so sorry, please, please forgive me, please!"

"Harry, forgive yourself. Let what happened go, let yourself love again and move beyond the horrors of your past. I loved you, yes, I would never blame you, anyone could have done what you did, I could have made that mistake, you know that! Move on, my love."

"But, but…"

"You heard me, you need to forgive yourself, I am after all a representation of you. Your subconscious is ready for you to move on. Do it!" She demanded of him.

"Okay, I will. I'll try."

"No, you'll do it, you have to let me go Harry, you have to let the accident go, or you'll continue to tear yourself apart. Harry, let it go."

Harry nodded, and Nell, faded into the crowd.

Harry kept looking around and saw current people he knew, Luna Lovegood, Tonks, and Hermione. The first two, he would rather not see in bathing suits, as Remus Lupin and Ron Weasley may just kill him if they ever found out, then again, Hermione most likely would as well… then the unthinkable happened!

All of the women changed into.. oh the horror! The insane, the maniacal, the ugly, the disgusting, the pale, Lord Voldemort….

And Harry woke up.. as the world was shaking and the horror blanked out of view.

"AHHHHHH!"

"Harry, will you please quit screaming!"

"Uh, sorry, why are you in my room?"

"We're supposed to be having breakfast, Harry!"

"Oh, right, sorry."

And Harry stood up and started changing.. completely forgetting about his company.. "Nice butt, Harry."

Harry pulled his uniform pants on as quick as possible. "Thanks for letting me change with you in here, Hermione."

"Oh your welcome, anytime," she replied cheekily.

"Ah bugger, so will you return the favor?" He asked as he was pulling on his uniform shirts.

"Harry, Harry, Harry, that won't work, you know."

"Yeah, well, had to try," He grinned sheepishly.

"Shall we go have Dobby's breakfast of chance?"

"Oh, is that what he's serving today?"

"No, that's everyday!"

"Sure is!"

And the Lieutenants' went off to the mess.

_If this is horrible.. muy mal.. etc.. let me know and when I've been asleep prior to 4am I'll fix it.. I have yet to be asleep before 4am since Monday (2 exams in 2 days.. and I just got the textbooks last week). And its 4:04 now.. so tack on another day… Please Review. _


	34. Pursuit and Destruction

Starship Hogwarts: Part 34 –Pursuit and Destruction

The Hirobiagans are pursuing Hogwarts as if they were a pack of bloody dogs after a cat or some other small animal like a rabbit.

Potter and Granger are out flying around in the Flugaluga Glider in stomach rolling patterns trying to draw attention away from the Hogwarts, to at least let them have a shot at getting some distance away, at least they've all got a new system developed by Granger to block the trail left behind by the Hogwarts and Flugaluga engines.

"How in the bloody hell do we get these fracking bastards off our tail, eh Harry?"

"Torpedos? Well we could go on a suicide mission and ram em!"

"No Harry, I don't want to die Kamikaze style, thank you as we were taught how to land, even Dobby could land this bloody ship flyboy, you taught him."

"He sure could, may knock off half an engine, but he could sure as bloody hell nail a fracking landing."

"Well that's good to know if we ever get sodding Dobby to have to fly a bloody mission, but that bloody well not happen till fracking future baby Weasley is old enough to have its own bloody children."

"Lets sure as hell hope so, Potter."

"Which month is he into now?" Hermione asked as Harry maneuvered them out the way of incoming Hirobiagan fire.

"His tenth, the Doc thought that he'd have given birth by now, but Pomfrey sure as hell missed it on this one."

"What she's only delivered one baby on this mission, Har."

"I know." An explosion in the background, "Hermione your bloody brilliant!" Harry grinned as he saw the blaze of ship in the viewer.

"Couldn't have done it without your flying."

"Thanks."

"No thank you."

"So back to Hogwarts?"

"Back to Hogwarts." Harry smiled wickedly.


	35. Chapter 35Oh Feces

Last Time in Starship Hogwarts:

"So back to Hogwarts?" Hermione asked.

"Back to Hogwarts." Harry smiled wickedly.

And Now the continuation:

Part 35

"OH SHITE!" Hermione exclaimed a few minutes later.

"What, ah bugger!" Harry asked before noticing the same problem on his own instruments.

"Is Hogwarts still in range?"

"Of course not, the fuckers!"

"Hmm, here's a moon that can sustain life, can you land us there without killing us, Harry?"

"Course I can," Harry replied, just the opposite side of smug.

After some turbulence through the atmosphere, Harry did land them, well, part him, part gravity towing them down, so only part of the shuttle made it intact, after the impact of it hitting the surface of the moon.

"Oh good job, looks like we'll have plenty of repair work once we get back to Hogwarts.. Or here, if we can manage."

"Hey, I helped design this ship, we'll be alright."

"I know Harry, I designed it too, built the engines myself."

"Hey I helped you!"

"I know and I'm glad you did. Any broken bones?"

"I think I'm intact, haven't stood up yet, you?"

"I think my foot's broken." Harry stood up and collapsed back down, as soon as he put any weight on his right foot. "Yep, sure is." Harry groaned.

"Where's the med kit?"

"In the back."

"Oh bloody hell, we blew off the left nacelle in the impact."

"FUCK!" Was Harry's simple yet, precise answer. "Guess we won't be flying this bird out of here?"

"Unless there's a giant scrap heap of a metal durable enough to sustain reentry into the atmosphere and then space."

"Did the space suits survive?"

"Yes." Hermione replied from the back cabin.

"Good, we'll be wearing those back if we can repair the shuttle."

"Yes sir," she joked.

"Yes I am in charge, Lieutenant."

"Alright Lieutenant." And they both laughed, the laughing of course was helping Harry avoid thinking on his foot.

"Hermione, did you find the med kit?"

"Right here," she said smiling, coming back into the main compartment, where Harry was, sitting next to his console and the rubble, that fell on him and that he had pushed to the side.

"Ah Hermione, let me stop the bleeding."

"What bleeding?"

"From the gash across your cheek."

"There's a gash across my cheek?"

"Yes, now hold still."

"I figured that was sweat."

"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed, exasperated at trying to disinfect her cut, with her moving.

"Sorry," she replied after he had bandaged her cheek up.

"Its sal'right." Harry said as he grimaced whilst applying disinfectant and pain reliever to his foot. "Here let me give you this."

"What is it?"

"Anti-radiation meds."

"Oh okay, will there be enough for both of us for awhile?"

"I think so." Harry said as he gave Hermione then, himself a shot.

-------

Harry and Hermione got awfully lucky, Turns out this planet is a dumping ground for dead ships, garbage and random junk.. Which fit in perfectly to get Harry and Hermione off of the damn rock.

-------------

In the next system they found Hogwarts, boarded, landed, hobbled to sick bay.. and Hogwarts came under attack!

Flashing Red Lights and the high pitched screaming of the alarms..

----KABOOM!----

The Starship Hogwarts just exploded. No survivors.

THE END


	36. Chapter 36ATTACK AND RESCUE

Harry and Hermione made it to the next system and the rendezvous point with Hogwarts to meet nothing, only the stars

Harry and Hermione made it to the next system and the rendezvous point with Hogwarts to meet nothing, but the stars as they thought they landed.

Hogwarts was gone, what would they do now?

A ship jumped into range and fired on them.

Harry got on the conn and broadcast on all frequencies. _"WE'RE NOT A THREAT TO YOU. I REPEAT WE MEAN YOU NO HARM." _

"We're being fired on after seeing a mirage or our ship?" Hermione asked.

"No, I think seeing that was our concussions."

"Ah, true."

"_PLEASE WE MEAN YOU NO HARM. THIS IS LIUTENANT POTTER OF THE SHUTTLECRAFT MEMOOGABABDAN. WE MEAN YOU NO HARM!" _

"Why did Ron name the shuttle?"

"Beats me."

Another ship jumped in and fired onto the first ship.

"Are we saved now?"

"No clue."

Smaller ships from the new ship were launched and attacking the other ship, and a ship larger then those ships flew at the Memooogababdan and attached a series of pulleys and dragged it towards the new ship.

--

_Would you like to find out who is attacking them, or would you like it to just end with a ball of fire? _


End file.
